Faith in the Margins

Mary Mary, Shackles

2009-10-10T18:07:00.004+01:00

Spending some time out from Facebook and I seem to be blogging again. So many good things and so many bad things is Facebook!
I love this song and video.

So where is it at?

2009-10-03T08:58:00.009+01:00

So where is it at then?

This was my question to God yesterday as I drove to visit a client of mine. I reasoned with God about the fact that church from my experience is where it is not. I asked God to take my hand because I didn't know how to get to that place in my spirit where he really 'is at'. I am at peace in my heart but I want more! I remember times in the past when God has moved in power to set the oppressed free when his power and glory were so evident in his workings with me and those I knew that it took our breath away. Somewhere along the line I lost that - mainly because of the abuse I received at the hands of church leaders of various sorts. It did something deep inside me. I withdrew. I lost trust. I have no fellowship at the moment. I don't have a husband. As I'm human I know I have a need for community and fellowship. Without that being available to me I have become very God reliant. Everything is one way traffic me and him or him and me there is no-one else in our equation.

But I know I need to be part of his Kingdom and I know for me to be healthy spiritually I need relationships etc. Also I want to see the power of God again move through my life and bring healing and help in life changing ways to those who need it.

For all these reasons I asked God to take my hand and lead me because I have no idea how to get to where I need to be. I imagined going to Hillsong on Sunday and being zapped by God onto this amazing spiritual plane or listening to worship music and having a vision a word or a prophecy.... or something similar.

I arrived at Suzy's house but couldn't get through the gate as it was jammed. Part of me was pleased, I wanted to keep going with God, get back into my car and follow this prayer through.... After alot of barking (of her dog!) and rattling with locks Suzy appeared on the porch and came to the gate to let me in. I was trying to use the catch to unlock the gate. She gave it a hefty kick and the thing swung open.... I pondered on that for some reason.

Inside her house it was freezing and dilapidated. The walls looked like they could fall down at any time! She had no food and no milk even to make me a coffee. I work with the homeless and those threatened with homelessness. Suzy was close to being evicted. She hadn't paid her rent or council tax for months! She was about my age but looked and dressed 10 years younger, about 35. She was pretty and blonde and could have had the world at her feet!? -whatever that means!

She was so bouncy and happy and easy going. She had no money and is in 1,000s of pounds worth of debt. She is in danger of losing her rented house. She has 2 teenage kids who have no mobile phones, no computers, no ipods or tv's or anything like that. Her house was full of old mainly broken furniture from the 1960's. She looked me straight in the eye as we chatted, with a big smile like she hadn't a care in the world. She got to me.

I had a form to fill in to apply for benefits for her. This was a form she didn't return in July because it was too complicated for her to understand. She had had £50 to live on for 6 weeks., She was very thin. In the UK the government provide for those with children who are on a low wage or unemployed through a benefit system. They make the system so complicated many don't get what they are entitled to. I asked her why she hadn't filled the form in - I couldn't understand it she said... She was so calm. I would have been in a state with no money for 6 weeks and kids to feed. She works part time. Her boss pays her £3 per hour - that's illegal for a start. She owes him money as it's his house she lives in. He takes it off at source £150 per month.

To claim benefits she had to produce so many documents none of which she could find. She went off running around the house like a child pulling open drawers and cupboards searching for the documents I asked her for. She was endlessley courteous and polite with me. There were piles of papers everywhere. She emptied her bag out it was also full of papers. She was so patient with everything I asked her for. After about 15 minutes she found the 1st document and proceeded to jump up and down with glee! I had no faith in her finding the next one - the end of year tax return... off she went again upstairs and down in and out of cupboards and drawers strewn with paperwork....she found this too! We filled in the form together it took an hour in the end to find everything.

Suzy gets short shrift from my colleagues and other professionals who know what shes like. She's a walking nightmare to them and they blame her totally for the disorder and difficulties that surround her....
In her little chaotic home with no food, no milk, no heat and no electric Suzy shone anyway. She is maybe a little ditzy and eccentric. She had a troubled childhood and has been abused and taken advantage of by many who should have known better. She's made some errors in her life choices and she does need to take some responsibility for her actions - or so they say... but she shines anyway.

I left Suzy's house and stepped out into the bright but chilly Autumn sunshine. I immediately felt a nudge in my spirit and felt Gods prompting in my heart.....he said to me 'that's where it's at'
I got back into my car and burst into tears. I knew exactly what God meant and I had felt his touch as I spent time with Suzy.

I went bact to the office but got no sympathy from any of my colleagues for Suzy. She's made her bed and apparently we should leave her to lie in it. No can do. I rang a local charity and managed to get her a food parcel ordered to be delivered next week. I went home still concerned about how she was going to manage the weekend. I prayed frantically for God to show me how I could get food and money to Suzy - I am not allowed to 'give' her any money or goods it's against company policy. 3 am in the morning. Wide awake praying for Suzy. I felt God drawing me to think of starting some sort of charity which gives food vouchers and household items, without condition, to the poor and those in need.......... crazy God, crazy me!

He's taking me by the hand....

Blessings and Woes

2009-09-30T22:24:00.006+01:00

As most of you know I have had a hard time in institutional church. The IC tends in the main to run as a business with a hierarchical model - much like the 'world' Also much like the world the poor, the outcast,the socially inept the single parent, the uneducated and the homeless get mistreated,ignored and deprived of having any real voice or influence in the IC. I have suffered untold and told abuse at the hands of those who supposedly are shepherds of the flock. It has been the same for every other person from my background that I've taken to church. So what's that all about?
I was praying this morning and asking God why he allowed myself and my children to be treated this way in 'His' church? Surely anyone with only a minimal knowledge of the Bible knows that much is said about protecting, nurturing and leading the widow and fatherless gently....
So why God why did you let us be so viciously treated at the hands of your very own ministers and leaders? And not just me but everyone else too?

If your face and background fit you will never see or feel the abuse. That's the problem. IC can be a great place to be a christian - if you find favour with the leadership because your lifestyle, family and background are considered 'acceptable' It's also a bonus if you have some hard cash to 'give' on a regular basis.
This is the truth.

One day those who abused me, ignored and shunned me because I didn't have the 'right' credentials will have to give an account to God for their actions. The thing is I don't know anyone else personally who has spoken up about the way they have been treated by IC - I have watched so many from my background go to church and leave quite quickly - but they don't have the courage to speak out. The middle classes are scary to them. They baffle them with eloquent speech and long words. They have money and power and influence.The poor are aware of their shortcomings. The IC causes the poor the uneducated and those who don't 'fit' the required and acceptable mold of a believer to feel even more inadequate. The last thing they will want is a confrontation - on every human level they know they would lose - so they leave.

I hope and excuse this if it sounds a bit harsh.... I hope that on judgement day Jesus will bring every poor, rejected, lonely, outcast, homeless and desperate person I took to church into the great hall. Then he will bring the leaders of the church in who rejected, ignored and shunned them and then I hope he will ask them for an explanation and then I hope he will judge accordingly. Sounds to me a bit like a story Jesus told here....

We - all of us are without excuse if we mistreat the poor. The Bible is clear as to what awaits for those who behave this way...

What surprises me is the way so many Christians concentrate on showing and telling the world about their blessings of wonderful husbands/wives and families and Gods provision of their amazing church/house/car/holiday/promotion etc etc. Do these Christians ever stop and think what their boasting does to those in the gutter who have lost their spouse, their homes, their jobs and are struggling to survive?
I don't recall Jesus ever going on like this. Hang on, I know, remember the time he walked right up to a disabled, homeless guy on the pavement and told him how God had blessed him with amazing legs so he could walk run and skip. Of course then Jesus went home and wrote all about it on his blog telling the world about how God had blessed him..... I think not. Jesus was too humble and thoughtful to do that!
If I ever do get 'blessed' with a spouse and my own home and the regular comforts all my christians brothers and sisters consider 'blessings' I will not speak about them as I would not want to cause even more pain and heartache for those who have not or worse still, had but lost.

These are the blessings Jesus spoke about so I have no problem with anyone boasting about these...

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when men shall hate you, and when they shall exclude and mock you, and throw out your name as evil, for the Son of Man's sake.
Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven, for their fathers did the same thing to the prophets.
"But woe to you who are rich!
For you have received your consolation.
Woe to you, you who are full now,
for you will be hungry.
Woe to you who laugh now,
for you will mourn and weep.
Woe, when men speak well of you,
for their fathers did the same thing to the false prophets.

Well I didn't plan for this post to go this way... but it has got me thinking about all those happy blessed, full and highly regarded christians out there...... who like to write endless blog posts showing just how much they have and how richly God has blessed them..... Taking into account the above verses the 'blessings' they so want to ram down our throats are not from God at all!!! I'm not saying christians shouldn't write about Gods provision or Gods healing power or Gods intervention in their lives - that's fine and good as testimony is always uplifting. But 'bragging' about a 'blessing' that God doesn't even call a blessing is wrong and very hurtful to those who are struggling and suffering and have not.

I recently had some correspondence with a christian (no-one who reads my blog!) who constantly goes on about 'his' and 'his' families 'blessings' I challenged him about this and explained how it could be very hurtful to those who had nothing. He disagreed and was very self righteous with me so much so it had me quite tearful, I deleted his last message as I am not clever enough to respond using the kind of language he uses and also as a woman who has already been so abused and downtrodden by the IC I just don't have the strength to fight what he says.

Reading the above verses highlighted in red though I feel comforted. I surely am blessed!

A Small Voice

2009-09-20T17:49:00.009+01:00

There's something scary for me now about Institutional Church.

The veil is slowly lifting.

How can an organisation built on worldly principles of money, power, elitism and exclusivism really be a true representation of a church begun on the back of an outcast, a pauper, an excluded and rejected individual who went completely against the norms of his society? Someone who because of who he mixed with, what he preached, and how he lived this out so authentically got himself murdered by the religious people of his day.

I love you Jesus.

I will build your church in my life with the everyday messed up broken people I meet who have no standing in society and who would, could, not fit the mold of good church goer. I cannot take anyone else to institutional church to watch them get ignored, belittled, judged and excluded because their lives don't match up to the shiny oh so perfect (on the surface) lives of the Pastor and his leaders..... Church is supposed to mean equality, the priesthood of all believers, each has value and worth. Someone please shout it out in the street - the church is not built on the principles and examples Jesus gave us of how to be a christian. Unfortunately it's a trap. A genuine believer can very soon find himself stripped of his individuality, his calling and his passion for Christ as the wheels of the system begin to squeeze it out of him for the sake of the smooth running of the beast.
Matthew 25:31-46 is a warning to those who call themselves christian but do injustice to Gods little ones. I've watched them do this injustice over and over again and even acknowledge to me that it's done - because they know they can get away with it - the wheels of the church will keep turning no matter how they treat Gods little ones. Thank my God that he is an avenger for those who have been treated like this.

Just because someone has a chequered past, lives on the wrong side of town, does not have the 'right' education and does not speak 'properly should NOT disqualify him from being treated as a real christian with something to offer!

The ones with the past, with the histories of abuse, misfortune,suffering and alienation are the ones who can teach us the most about how Jesus can transform a life. But they never get the chance to speak.

I have a friend an alcoholic friend who found God and started to come to church. He was ignored by the Pastor for about a year - in fact I think the Pastor only spoke to him once in 2 years..... My friend stopped drinking and started praying and going to the 'groups' at church. Even so no-one really befriended him. A few visited and stayed a while, occasionally, but he was and never did become one of their 'friends' he was just a job to be done a service to be provided for. Eventually they abandoned him as they had plans for their lives which took them away from him. He's sweet, he doesn't complain. They had careers to be worked on wives/husbands to be looked for, important friends to be entertained, lives to be lived which meant they could not make space for my friend. Give up your life Jesus says, lay it down for your brother - when I confronted one of his christian 'visitors' on this and suggested he lay down his life for his friend he practically went beserk at me. 5 years on. My alcoholic friend has lost his faith. He returned to drinking. He has cancer now. He is dying. I've seen this story repeated so many many times in different churches over the past 20 years.

Grace to those out there who are building authentic christian communities based on the 'real' gospel of love, inclusion and forgiveness where the power and pressence of Christ is given free reign.

The sign of a real church is the way they treat the poor, the outcast, the misfits and the socially unacceptable. Jesus modelled this by the way he lived. If Jesus was here today he would march into the churches we have and turn the tables over.

No more.

No way.

Not for me.

Action Against Hunger

2009-08-15T13:41:00.006+01:00

Revelation

2009-08-11T13:01:00.025+01:00

I've experienced a dramatic shift in my experience of God and calling to the poor.

For 20 years it's been directed at working alongside the poor in my own country. On a very typical day last week God moved in my spirit and gradually the scales fell. We're all on a journey mapped out for us by our God and Saviour. Others I know have come to this awareness I have many years ago, but this 'time' was my time for God to awaken me. We were on holiday driving through the narrow country roads of North Devon and everything looked normal but I felt anything but 'normal' It was quite dramatic - as things tend to be with me. One second I was who I have always been, the next a door opened up inside me and I saw a new horizon, a million new thoughts began racing through my brain, a new awareness of the suffering and dying of millions of MY brothers and sisters around the world smashed my guts out.

A new fire began to burn within desperate to run and run and run. What could I do? a middle aged,(relatively) poor single parent living in a small English town, with no finance and no 'connections'. What could I do? Apparently something! It felt like the starving and suffering in the world were asking me if I would give myself and what money I could to them to help them. Suddenly these people were 'real' to me reaching out to me, I gave up fighting back the tears and let them fall. My children were probably a bit surprised - but knew something very important was happening to their mother!

32 people a minute die of starvation in the world, while our supermarket shelves overflow and we in the West fight obesity. I am responsible for doing as much as I can to alleviate the suffering of those in the 3rd world. They truly are 'the least of these' referred to in Matthew 25. What else can we do but give as much as we are able. I have a responsibility before my God who cares for the starving and the destitute. I have a responsibility to reach out and do whatever I can - however little it may seem to me - nevertheless the responsibility is there. All Christians have a responsibility, to do all they can.

I don't need much really to live. I may desire or want but I don't need.

My life needs to reflect this. I've been blind and ignorant. I've been greedy and selfish and self indulgent. I've been lazy, arrogant and hard-hearted, towards my dying brothers and sisters in other countries. Yes I have worked tirelessly for 20 years to help the 'poor' in my country but they are not dying of starvation they are not denied the basic necessities needed to live. We have become a greedy, selfish, indulgent,demanding nation always wanting more and more.

My eyes have been opened to the suffering of my brothers and sisters around the world, the hungry, the destitute those ravaged by famine and war. This revelation has 'got' me. It fills my waking hours and my dreams. I'm itching to give, desperate to change the way I live. Suddenly aware of how the way I live needs to change drastically. Like a light going on. It's taken a hold of me, it has a life of it's own inside of me like it's running and I'm running with it.

Yes the only way to God is through Jesus. But there is so much in the Bible about caring for the poor and the stranger, even if they never come to believe. The rich man and Lazarus passage does not say Lazarus was a believer......
It's not a choice I've made, it's a choice which has been made for me, by His Spirit I believe.

I now have an urge to give and give and give even though I am 'relatively' poor and usually have no money left at the end of the month. A little bit disconserting, but when I sat down and worked out how much I spend on things which I don't really need I was saddened.

Thew joy though and the speed of life running through my veins at the moment is amazing. Really giving to the poor until it hurts changes one inside and allows more of the Spirit to flow through a life.'In giving you receive' I always believed that meant receive financially but you know I think it means spiritually!

Simple living from now on.

All sorts of implications though. Christmas? Birthdays? Holidays? New furniture? houshold items? clothing? sorting out what is necessary and what isn't. Explaining to extended family why I've turned into a tree hugger overnight! and on and on.....

Give.

One day we will have to look these people in the eye.

One day we will face judgement based on what we did to 'the least of these'

I Jumped!.....

2009-08-09T19:58:00.004+01:00

So I listened to myself and jumped and 3 weeks later the repercussions of that leap are filtering through into every area of my life. My life and focus and energies have shifted. Here is where the story began.....

One morning and one prayer. I asked God to intervene in my life and told him I was prepared to 'run this race for the least of these' whatever the cost.
I work in a non christian organisation which supports the homeless and those threatened with homelessness. It's forbidden to talk about my faith. It's forbidden to offer help or support to those who are not part of our caseload.

When Drew called the office asking for help I knew this was the 'moment' I would have the chance to put my prayer into practice. He was not our client. Infact he was a difficult ex client that my colleagues were glad to see the back of. I took his number and called him back later when out of the office. He cried and sobbed he was such a mess. He was an alcoholic and close to death. While talking to him I had this thought flash through my mind. Then with no warning the thought turned into words falling out of my mouth. I offered him the opportunity to go to a rehab I knew. It was a Christian rehab. I had no idea if he was a believer. This was totally against company policy. He said he wanted to go. He said he had a faith when he was younger before his life took a nose dive. How would I get him there? I offered to take him - it was a couple of hours drive. This was totally against company policy. By now I had resigned myself to losing my job. I had crossed every boundary.

Drew was accepted at the rehab and I was driving him there 3 days later!

Well what the hell to do now? I felt I had to come clean with my manager - who is not the most empathetic and soft hearted person I know! I braced myself and called her. By now I was walking on the water and let me tell you it was exhilerating!
I explained all that had happened and that I was prepared to take Drew myself at my own cost in my own time to the rehab. I could hear the silence on the other end of the phone while her brain processed the crazy things I was telling her, she had to make a decision about what I had done! She said I could take him! I punched the air and thanked God. I was flying by now! I told my colleagues the story and they were pleased, surprised and a bit bemused by the normally quiet shy woman who sits in the corner and doesn't speak much doing something so 'out of character'.

The next day I had a call from my manager while sitting at my desk. All ears I knew were on me in the office. She said she had spoken to the company director and he had said they would pay for my expenses (fuel etc) for me to take Drew, also they would pay for my time! also Drew was to become my client from that time forth.

Also on this day that small prayer was about to become the chrysalis for something much bigger than I could ever imagine..... God is true to his word when we jump out of that boat in total reliance on him.

Jump

2009-07-20T09:56:00.010+01:00

If you want to walk on water you've got to get out of the boat.

Everything will tick along nicely once you've learnt to steer the boat and manage the different weather patterns. After many years of struggle and near death experiences the storms will die down. Occasionally there will be windy days and cold days and blustery days which will test your skills to the limit. All though are now well within your ability to control...........

Unfortunately though to live life at its most exhilarating you have to leave that boat from which you have finally mastered the skills of living. To live a life drenched in the Holy Spirit with God pounding like thunder through your veins, you have to leave it, step out of that boat you have so carefully mastered over the years and risk drowning and losing everything.

Unfortunately this is the only way to really experience the fullness of following Christ. All else is but vanity and a chasing after the wind.

So what if I lose my job, my money my house my security (again).... so what if I don't have any cash or any retirement fund, so what to it all. We cannot take anything with us but the things we built in and for the Kingdom while on this earth. And Jesus shows us by his life that material possessions worldly security and the praise of man count for nothing in the Kingdom of God. What counts and what will not be burnt away by the fire is our Kingdom building - our obedience to his calling and our willingness to lay it all down for honour of following Jesus. On the positive side it's by once again getting out of the boat that we feel the rush of the wind of the Spirit and the power of the presence of God right by our side. If we are not feeling his presence, his power and his calling maybe we need to shake off the dust and jump out of that boat. I know I need to.

Michael Jackson's Children

2009-07-09T21:36:00.002+01:00

May the Lord watch over you.

May he hold you close all the days of your lives.
May he send believers who truly know and understand who you are across your path.
May he shower you with love and and steep you in his comfort.

May he cause your light to rise in the darkness,
May there be healing and solace for you and may there be no lasting damage for you
May the circumstances of your birth and the unanswered questions about your parenthood never cause you distress. May God do a miracle in all 3 of your hearts - may he fill you with purpose, with strength and with fortitude.

May he reveal his plans for each of you so that you have focus and become aware of your calling early on in life

May the good things your Daddy taught you keep your souls alive, invigorated, open and true.
May God protect you from the unkindness of the media, may you find favour in their eyes.

May your security come from the deep well which is Christs fingerprint on your souls.
Whether you ever come to know Jesus or not may he hold you, keep you and be the backbone of your lives as a good parent should be.

Bless you Prince
Bless you Paris
Bless you Blanket

I have decided to commit to pray for these children every day until they reach adulthood, please commit with me
..... Do something unexpected and wonderful in their lives Father.

Who says history repeats itself - not the Bible and not in the case of these three precious gifts from God.

Amen.

Verses God gave me for Michael Jackson's children:

Ps. 10:14. The unfortunate commits himself to You; You have been the helper of the orphan... O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear to vindicate the orphan and the oppressed.

Prov. 31:8ff Open your mouth for the dumb, for the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and defend the rights of the afflicted and needy.

Is. 58:10. "And if you give yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness, and your gloom will become like midday. And the LORD will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."

A Tribute

2009-06-27T20:38:00.015+01:00

I've never been a Michael Jackson fan yet his death has moved my soul. It's made me think about my own mortality. He's only a few years older than me. His life was lived through a lens we could all look through. His successes and failures magnified for the world to see - and judge. I'm feeling a huge loss. Surprised, not in character for me these days - emotion! I remember walking through the old high echoing corridors of school as a small child and hearing 'ABC' on someones radio - memory so clear, I hear it now. I grew up with Michael Jackson he has been in the backstage of my whole life.

I always loved 'Black or White' the song had such a great beat and energy. Apart from that record I never took much notice of Michael, I felt he had been dealt a tough hand in life and maybe 'messed up' some....but. His life was 'messed up' from the start. All our lives are messed up from the start. We all do things we regret, things that are bad and distasteful. But I did bad as well, you did bad, we all did bad - in Gods sight.

So now he has gone - so unexpectedly. Strangely though for someone who was not a fan his death has moved me. It has made me search my soul and think long and hard about my own mortality - my death, and the life I have left, how will I live it? how will I use it?

Michael Jackson's thought on faith...:

When I was young, my whole family attended church together in Indiana. As we grew older, this became difficult, and my remarkable and truly saintly mother would sometimes end up there on her own. When circumstances made it increasingly complex for me to attend, I was comforted by the belief that God exists in my heart, and in music and in beauty, not only in a building. But I still miss the sense of community that I felt there--I miss the friends and the people who treated me like I was simply one of them. Simply human. Sharing a day with God.

When I became a father, my whole sense of God and the Sabbath was redefined. When I look into the eyes of my son, Prince, and daughter, Paris, I see miracles and I see beauty. Every single day becomes the Sabbath. Having children allows me to enter this magical and holy world every moment of every day. I see God through my children. I speak to God through my children. I am humbled for the blessings He has given me.

There have been times in my life when I, like everyone, has had to wonder about God's existence. When Prince smiles, when Paris giggles, I have no doubts. Children are God's gift to us. No--they are more than that--they are the very form of God's energy and creativity and love. He is to be found in their innocence, experienced in their playfulness.

My most precious days as a child were those Sundays when I was able to be free. That is what the Sabbath has always been for me. A day of freedom. Now I find this freedom and magic every day in my role as a father. The amazing thing is, we all have the ability to make every day the precious day that is the Sabbath. And we do this by rededicating ourselves to the wonders of childhood. We do this by giving over our entire heart and mind to the little people we call son and daughter. The time we spend with them is the Sabbath. The place we spend it is called Paradise.
- Michael Jackson

Something warm and alive seeps through my veins as I watch the video on this post. I don't know Michael's heart - we can all pass judgement and condemn him but thankfully only God has the right ultimately to do that (phew!)

I feel like I will see him again! is that weird!?

'In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?

In My Trials
And My Tribulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart.' - Michael.

Rest in peace Michael and thank you for it all, for all you gave, all you carried, all you lost and forgive us for all we stole from you.

God rest your soul and bless your beautiful children.

x

Shaun's Flat

2009-06-04T20:07:00.013+01:00

Shaun's flat is definitely the last place anyone would choose to spend an afternoon. I'm willing to bet that within the past 20 or so years Shaun's only visitors have been fellow alcoholics, drug users or those with mental health problems. I was taken there by a complete stranger who accosted me on the street, he was very drunk - practically unable to stand! he tried to speak to me but he was incoherent. The stranger was sitting on the floor outside the block of flats I was visiting to see one of my clients who was threatened with homelessness. He caught my eye as I approached. The stranger motioned me over to him. He seemed to be playing with an object on the floor which at first I thought was a knife.... He attempted to stand but fell straight over. He tried again and this time I got his arm and locked it in mine. In his drunken stupor he seemed to know something I didn't. He kept mumbling at me and attempting to point in a certain direction.... We stumbled together me trying to hold him up toward the flat on the ground floor. All the time my friend, the drunk stranger seemed to want to tell me something but he was too intoxicated to speak clearly.

Into the flat we went. Who was in there? I had no idea, what would happen to me in there? I had no idea. The flat consisted of one room and a kitchenette. It was so filled with smoke I couldn't see clearly and my throat tightened trying to breathe. There were piles and piles of rubbish all over the floor. Moldy food, litter and so much junk. The place stank of urine. One table in the middle piled so high with beer cans and cigarette ends I just stared at it - how could a human being live like this? I've seen a lot of filthy, messy, untidy houses but never anything like that.

I noticed my client was sat in the corner. Daniel smiled at me a great big beaming smile! 'Ello' he said - so you met my mate Alec.... Alec the drunk stranger had been posted at the door to bring me in to Shaun's flat. Alec looked pleased with himself he had succeeded in his mission. On another chair covered in rubbish and cigarette ends sat an old man. I smiled and said hello to him. He was so drunk he couldn't get any words out. Daniel told me he had been like this for over 30 years. Apparently I was to find out later - Shaun was dying, due to his alcohol abuse. His body was giving up. Dying a death in that hell hole with no dignity and no hope. It was like it was too late for Shaun. Daniel later told me he was sleeping on Shaun's sofa to keep and eye on him if he went unconscious. He didn't like the thought of Shaun dying alone. Bless Daniel.

Shaun never spoke a word to me. He never gave me eye contact. The next time I visited Daniel we talked a lot about the help Daniel could get with his alcohol problem. We shared a few jokes and we chatted about how best Dan could work at changing the habits of his lifetime that had brought him to a place where he felt he had no hope. Dan and I have a rapport - it doesn't happen with all of my homeless clients. It seems to be a relationship that so far works well. Dan is making incredible progress - he has detoxed from a 10 year heroin habit - and stayed clean for a few months. Now he needs to tackle his alcohol problem - in his time. Shaun never said a word. He was completely drunk and filthy from head to toe. The flat stank. I sat on a sofa covered in urine! My clothes were wet. I shuddered.

Last week I visited for a 3rd time. I walked in the flat. I got the shock of my life. It was tidy. No cans, no cigarette ends, no urine smell, I could see the carpet. The bed had covers on it. I could see the table. It was - to me- a miraculous transformation. And Shaun was soba. Sat there in his right mind with clean clothes on and his hair brushed. He looked like a human being. I had a fit on the spot and wanted to jump up and down with joy. Shaun spoke to me for the first time. That was a 'Kingdom' moment for me. He was thinking clearly. He had detoxed on his own with no medical support. He had simply 'stopped' drinking alcohol. He could have died without proper meds, but he didn't die. I had resigned myself to the fact that it was too late for Shaun as he was such an old man with so many many years of alcohol abuse. But it seems like someone I know hadn't given up on him and didn't think it was too late. It's early days yet for Shaun but I saw enough to know...

That's my God for you.

That is my God!

Daniel and Lorraine......

2009-05-27T20:50:00.008+01:00

I get it. I'm born again. I'm free and at peace with myself and God - finally.

But what about Daniel and Lorraine and Tracey, Carla, Heidi and Alec - please God what about Alec? what about Andy and Dane, Shelly and Mary... Chris?

I think there must be something else. There has to be something I'm missing.

Because if heaven is full of those 'nice' christians that I meet at church who are as nicey as pie to you as long as you keep your distance and 'obey' their every request, who have no idea how to love unconditionally like Jesus did.... if heaven is gonna be full of those churchy people who have been brought up in christian homes and so think they are better than the Daniels and Lorraine's of this world and look down their holy noses at them....I don't want to go... hear me God, count me out. I want to stay with the humble, the broken the kind the loving the meek..........

Daniel was the eldest of 8. He was brought up single handedly by his Mum on a poor housing estate with little or no money sometimes. He was a quiet sensitive boy who loved his Mum dearly, but he couldn't cope with the constant fights and arguments between his warring parents. From and early age he was torn between them always having to make decisions about which parent to stay with at the weekend and which parent to go on holiday with. It tore him apart inside. Daniel was to fragile. Family and home was important to Daniel and family and home were damaged beyond any repair. He failed at school because he couldn't concentrate. He failed at making the teachers like him because he was always late, tired and in a bad mood. At 14 someone offered him his first line of cocaine. It felt great. The whole of his world lit up and became warm, safe and embracing - like the happy family life he never had. Heroin soon followed on cocaine's trail and from then on things just became a blur and still really are a blur 15 years later.

Now Daniel - to my knowledge is not born again. So he's on his way to hell according to the popular interpretation of Scripture...... But I have a secret! God loves Daniel with such a fierce intensity it nearly strikes me dumb sometimes when I talk to him. God loves him so fiercely just being in a room with him I feel the power and mercy of the Holy Spirit rolling over me and I see God in Daniels eyes when I can see them through his long matt of scruffy hair. He informed me someone told him he looked like Jesus - he liked that.

Daniel never had a chance. John on the other hand was brought up in a christian family in a large house in a beautiful area of Devon. Everything was planned out for him from birth. He had his own beautiful room overlooking the 2 acre garden. He went to the local church school and onto one of the best secondary schools in the south of England. He went on to secure a good degree at University and a great job after. His parents doted on him and he had everything a child could need to grow up secure and balanced. They were christians of course. John prayed the prayer at 7 and 20 years later is a youth leader and home group leader in his church. He is safe in the knowledge that he is a good God fearing moral and upright citizen living according to Gods laws and therefore on his way to an eternity with God.

Sometimes John comes across people like Daniel in the voluntary work he does for his church. He knows he should feel compassion and concern for people like that but really he just feels like that ultimately we make our own choices. He feels people like that only have themselves to blame for not making the right choices and allowing themselves to fall into such a pit of despondency, addiction, hopelessness and despair. John has an abundance of church friends who all help reinforce his belief that he is living right for God - he doesn't associate with people like Daniel for any longer than he has to. It wouldn't do his christian cred any good if he did.

John is going to heaven and Daniel to hell. Something is not right.

Lorraine is 48 and deaf. Her husband threw her out after he met some one else. She was street homeless for a while. She was in a desperate state when I met her. She clung onto me at the housing department falling on the floor holding onto my leg, she was demented with fear as to what was going to happen to her. She is gentle and kind and would give you the coat off her back if you asked. She gives out love and compassion and considers of others before herself without even thinking.

John thinks very carefully before he ever gives an inch to anyone - particularly to people like Daniel and Lorraine. Lorraine apparently is going to hell and John and his friends to heaven.

Tracey lives alone in a tiny flat with her little girl. She has been so badly abused by men she is scared to leave her flat. Her daughter who is 11 is her main carer and she tries to help her Mum as much as she can with the household chores and shopping. Tracey is often drunk but her daughter has learnt how to put her in the recovery position and run to a neighbour for help. Although Tracey drinks too much (sometimes) and isn't very good around the house her daughter is doing surprisingly well at school. This has been put down to the fact that she has a fantastic relationship with her Mum. They share a deep bond of affection and Tracey puts her daughter 1st in every way she is able - it shows in her daughter's eyes. They are bright and happy and optimistic. So Tracey is going to hell with her little girl and John et al are going to heaven.

Carla was raped but kept the baby. Her Mum's a heroin addict and her sister just committed suicide. Carla is just beautiful. She works when she can and is fighting to make a better life for her and her baby. Church to her is some distant place where all the 'nice' people go. She's not nice enough for that she's sure. But in every way she acts from her heart like a real christian.....

Don't get me going about Alec. Please pray for Alec becasue he's a real person like all the others here and he's in the very worst mess. He's 22 but so far gone on alcohol he can't have a proper conversation. He sits on the street corners begging for money. I met him once... he sat next to me. He was very drunk. He had a dent on his head I asked him how he got it. His Dad did it before he ran away from home when he was younger. He has no family. He lives in a squat. He's so sweet and meek and broken. He lent over to me and mouthed slowly to me 'help me' that s all he said. But he's defo going to hell being an alcoholic.......

This post is getting long and it's still unfinished but I had to write it.

When Jesus said 'you must be born again' he said it to a religious intellectual who had a hard heart...........

I'm hoping that there will be lots of surprises on the last day......

New Birth

2009-05-24T22:23:00.011+01:00

Charo Washer prayed 'the prayer' at 14 asking Jesus into her heart. She became a missionary at 20 and for 12 years served in Peru. At 32 she got saved......
I have 3 kids and I've always rejected church leaders pressure to get them to 'pray the prayer' I looked around at all the nice good christians who prayed it and thought that made them believers. I felt the sting of their hatred towards me, their outright unkindness, and constant judgement of me ...I didn't want my kids to pray that prayer and become that type of christian.

At 15 the Holy Spirit knocked my daughter to the floor, wiped out her past and entered into her heart.....I took home a new child that evening.I was so glad I never made her pray that prayer.

Woooooahhh
Love it.
Praying 'the prayer' living a good life, doing the right things does NOT make you a christian!!

I remember sitting in a prayer group a couple of years ago. We were asked to share how we became Christians. Most relayed how they had been led to say the prayer at some time or other. Most of them I came to know lived in perpetual fear and self loathing - for not being good enough, htis brings on the 'guilt trips' which they always seemed to be on. One guy told me he used to punch himself because of the bad thoughts he had. He also shared with me he thought most of the 'christians' in church were hypocrites. He had grown up in church and had 100's of friends in different forms of church leadership all over the U.K. One evening he broke down and told me he was a hypocrite himself - he wasn't a real christian, he didn't love others, he tried to 'believe' but he couldn't, he was naturally self centred and didn't care if he hurt people. He told me most of the hundreds of christian friends he had were just like him........
The next time I saw him I asked him about that evening. He denied it. Denied he had said those things about himself or others. From that day forward he began ignoring me and becasue he was in leadership many others who looked up to him also began to ignore me and exclude me. This is why I am so thrilled when I see a trickle of speakers who are beginning to see through this and speak out about it... It makes my spirit SOOAAARRRRRRRRRRR!

Christ sets us free! If we are living under condemnation, fear and guilt maybe we don't really know Christ at all.

Homosexuality is a sin

2009-05-24T11:25:00.010+01:00

Openly Gay Minister living with his partner is appointed at a church in Scotland.

You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination. (Leviticus 18:22 ESV)

If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them. (Leviticus 20:13 ESV)
We are doing those caught in the sin of homosexuality no favours by condoning their behaviour.

For those who say the Bible doesn’t address Lesbianism, Paul does so very well in the following passage.

Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error. (Romans 1:24-27 ESV)

It may be politically correct to accept homosexuality in our churches these days but unfortunately it is an abomination before God. I've thought about this a lot as I have one or two gay friends who one day may ask me about my beliefs - and it feels kinda tough to have to say they are living a sinful life. The Bible though is clear on this. So that means that if you are born or develop that persuasion the only way forward is to repent of the evil desires you have and live a celibate life devoted to Jesus - die to your self.... after all Jesus is all we need anyway. The way I see it is if we are going to let the fences down on what the Bible says on homosexuality, where do we stop? The christian faith is being slowly eroded until there will be no more absolutes at all and anything goes. Yes I love the sinner - as much as anyone, yes I give my life to help the less fortunate who often are beset by the most difficult to fight 'sins' But I want to share Jesus with them so they can get free and live healthy God fearing, fruitful lives. I love the homosexual just as much as anyone caught in sin but...we have to stick to what the Bible says on this subject and not water it down so we can be 'politically correct'

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.. ...Gen2:24

God created them male and female - end of.

The Day of the Lord

2009-05-23T17:51:00.006+01:00

I read this today and again my heart leapt when I understood and realised what was being said is true! I wanted to repost it here and see what people think.......

'Just as the world is made up of believers and unbelievers, so is the visible Church. The weeds or tares from Matthew 13 are growing in the field, which is the world. The sheep and goats, however, are in the visible Church. From Matthew 7 we have “the many” who proclaim that they did good works to our Lord, but His reply will be, “I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.” I received the following comment today on yesterday’s post and it was actually the seed of this post. The comment stated:

“Whilst reading your post, I was reminded of what Paul Washer said somewhere near the end of the message of the 10 Indictments. He said something to the effect that we must be careful how we talk about the Lords bride, the Church. He said that the Church of Christ is doing very well. When I heard this I first of all thought – what on earth does he mean? Look at the mess we see around us! Then the penny dropped as he continued – he was really quite correct! We are doing really well! There are sheep and goats alongside of one another as the tares and the wheat grow together. The real Bride of Christ is very well and full of life and His love and unity. My heart lurched in my chest as I realized this wonderful truth. When you meet another Christian on line or in person, even if their background and church history is different to yours, the unity is immediately there, when they are truly born again! I have experienced this in both spheres with amazing moments. John 10:1-30 really says it all. How much more humble these truths make us.”

Along with this seed, I received an email from a dear brother in the Lord in which we discussed the huge contrast between the focus of genuine believers and those who are all wrapped up in this world. It is as if those who are of the Lord’s bride are not fooled by the lies being poured out on the whole world right now while large numbers of professing believers are blinded by them. Could it be that those who “see” are being prepared to not fall for the lie of “peace and safety” while the “goats” are being prepared for meeting our Lord before His throne to await judgment with the rest of the world?

Our hope is not in any work of man. Those truly in Christ are doing very well. They are maturing and growing more and more humble in their obedience to God. They are walking in repentance. They are not laying up treasure here on this planet, but in Heaven.

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19-21 ESV)

Yes, much of the visible Church is going down the tubes while the rest is oblivious, but God’s people, the elect, are doing just fine because our Lord promised to build His Church and He never breaks a promise.

He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter replied, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” (Matthew 16:15-19 ESV)

Therefore, we should continue to work to cleanse the Body of Christ, but let us not despair at the wickedness we see today that calls itself Christianity. No, our Lord is still building His church and He will continue to do so until “that Day.”'

The full post is here The Day of the Lord

Who are the 'Little Ones?'

2009-05-19T20:16:00.000+01:00

The Least of These

2009-05-19T12:52:00.000+01:00

I never knew you

2009-05-18T22:52:00.009+01:00

My life is coming full circle after 20+ years. It's a good place to be. It was a bad place to travel to. I'm back home 'physically' and loving this town I hated for so many years! I think about the thoughts and beliefs I had as a 20 something newly born-again Christian in this town. For me the truth shines in the darkness - and it still does all those years and tribulations later. It's as crystal clear to me tonight as it was on that morning when I first believed.

So many twists and turns. So much pain and loss, in the end it drove me to annihilation, but that's good because now I've lost the ability to feel anything except what He feels.

The church damaged me and my children so badly we eventually gave up on it. The so called 'christians' destroyed our very souls with their worldly opinions and desires making us feel we weren't really believers at all, because we were so different. In fact I came to believe deep down that perhaps it was me that was wrong, had misunderstood the Bible - got a bad translation. When the majority of believers you know live out their faith one way and you live it in a diametrically opposed other way then who is right? The majority always won.

So I began to search for other ways of expressing my faith, other ways of meeting true believers who were as obsessed as me. I found one or two over the years. The vast majority of christians as I saw it lived not much differently than unbelievers -I couldn't see a difference. Take a look.

Jesus said lay down your lives for your brother. They wouldn't even lend me a penny, visit me when I was suicidal and alone with my kids, support me when I was homeless, cook me a meal, invite me to the party, any party! buy me a car!! So you can guess what they were - and still are not prepared to do for 'the least of these'! .... Sharing was a non word for me in the church. I was poor and needed help but I was not in the right crowd! If you were in with the 'in' crowd then everyone wanted to but you a car/house/flat, pay for your missionary trip - give you cash!

Outside the church I tried to start up a small group in my house - but it didn't really work as on my own it was too crazy with too many messed up broken people, alcoholics, mentally ill etc. Without a man to help it was askew.

So now out of the church - at the mo.

Is there a place for you where it all feels right and you feel complete and together? There is a place for me, but I sort of threw it out with all the other bad stuff......Recently I've gone back and picked it up again and I'm able now to hold it without it connecting me again to the terrible experiences I've had at the hands of those who preach Jesus but by their lives and behaviour and lack of compassion and love - DO NOT live him.

'You will know the truth and the truth will set you free' - it really will.

It has to be all the way for me or not at all - and it's all the way.

First Attempt

2009-05-16T17:33:00.006+01:00

Probably won't leave this up long! my first attempt at recording a video for the blog Hmmmmmm not sure if it's cool to laugh so much at oneself.....

Crying in the Wilderness

2009-05-09T09:45:00.016+01:00

We need another John. We need to get back to what following Jesus is all about. The Western church has lost it's way. It has become tangled up in an ever tightening web of deceit and selfishness, wrapped up in the guise of empty religion and inward focus.

We need another John in our time. Someone not afraid to speak out, to speak the truth to the church and the lost at any cost. Someone with God given authority alone. Some one not bound up by religion and fear.

'I am the voice of the one crying in the wilderness' said John. 'Prepare the way of the Lord. Make straight in the desert a highway for our God' We need someone to call us all back to repentance, to clear out the deadwood and open our eyes again to the real Jesus so we can see him and therefore follow him as he really is.

The description of John we have in the Bible is brief and stark. He was dressed in a “camel’s hair” garment, secured by a leather belt, and his diet was locusts and wild honey (Mt. 3:4). The “hair” cloak might have been a rough fabric woven from camel’s hair, or a camel skin itself. The text is ambiguous. It was, however, quite reminiscent of certain Old Testament prophets (Zech. 13:4), particularly Elijah, who, as we have noted, foreshadowed John (cf. 2 Kgs. 1:8).

John's food was that generally consumed by the poorer elements of society. He stood in bold contrast to the wealthy, indulgent Jews of his day; he was a walking sermon! - We need another John in our time God.
John was reclusive. Jesus once said: “John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, He has a demon” (Mt. 11:18). “Eating and drinking” stood for socializing. The prophet was not a party-goer. His ascetic life-style appeared almost demonic, like those possessed of evil spirits who apparently frequented the desolate areas (cf. Mk. 5:2-3). He did not seek out the multitudes; but, somehow, he attracted them.
The citizens of Jerusalem and all Judea went out unto him as he moved about in the Jordan Valley (Mt. 3:5; cf. 13; Jn. 1:28; 3:23). A stream of hearers gravitated to the rough prophet. His influence was phenomenal. Hundreds, if not thousands, were immersed by him. And his success was solely in the message he proclaimed.
John’s message of “repentance” entailed a deep consciousness of offense to God within the sinner’s heart, with a required reformation of life. When he saw superficial Hebrews submitting to his immersion, void of any radical change of conduct, he rebuked them: “You offspring of vipers, who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bring forth, therefore, fruit worthy of repentance” (Mt. 3:7-8). How many christians would he say that to today?

We need another John, to prepare the way back to Jesus.

God Defends the Poor

2009-05-09T07:34:00.009+01:00

I know that the LORD secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy. Psalm 140:12

He does. And that doesn't just mean when we get to heaven. The poor, the weak, the vulnerable, the broken, the grieving the fatherless, the widow, those excluded and on the edge of society......all those whom God so often says he will defend. He does. It may take time but justice will be done. Those, particularly Christians, who claim to know Jesus and follow him will be called to account in this life and the next for the way they treat the weak and vulnerable, the kind of people mentioned above.

I know it. He did it. He proved himself to me. He didn't have to I didn't mind anymore. But God has to be God and be true to his word. God has the bit between his teeth concerning the 'least of these' Matthew 25:31-46.
He means it. It's not some obscure passage to be skipped through. It matters. The Bible contains more than 300 verses on the poor, social justice, and God's deep concern for both. Here are a few of the more popularly ignored verses!

Luke 3:11. And [John the Baptist] would answer and say to them, "Let the man with two tunics share with him who has none, and let him who has food do likewise."
Mt. 5:42. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you.
Is. 58:10. "And if you give yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness, and your gloom will become like midday. And the LORD will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."
Mt. 19:2 The young man said to Him, "All these commands I have kept; what am I still lacking?" Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me."
Jer. 5:28. "[The wicked] do not plead the cause, the cause of the orphan, that they may prosper; and they do not defend the rights of the poor. Shall I not punish these people?" declares the LORD. "On such a nation as this, shall I not avenge myself?"
Prov. 29:7. The righteous is concerned for the rights of the poor; the wicked does not understand such concern.
Mt. 6:2-4. "When therefore you give alms, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. But when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your alms may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will repay you."
Acts 2:44. All those who had believed were together, and had all things in common; and they began to sell their property and possessions, and share them with all, as anyone might have need.
Prov. 14:31. He who oppresses the poor reproaches his Maker, but he who is gracious to the needy honors Him.

Western churches have departed strongly from Biblical values in these areas, and even created a rationalization-- "prosperity theology"-- for rejecting them. It takes time and reflection to get past this misteaching. But try to get past the resistance. Spiritual growth doesn't come from what goes down easily, or what we like to hear and read. It comes from what's different, and even difficult. Those who mistreat 'the least of these' - and that can simply mean ignoring their plight - are in trouble with God. According to Matthew 25 they won't get into heaven. I know we live by grace, but if that grace is really of God it will lead us to 'the least of these' and we will be led by the same spirit that led Christ to them. We will automatically reach out to them and tend to their needs, even at the cost of our own blood family, our marriages, our time, our jobs, our commitment to a church system or commitment to our well healed friends. Because if those closest to us, our employer or our church try and prevent us serving 'the least' as God commands then we have to put God 1st. Let the Spirit lead.

The Lord has moved in my life this week and acted and shown me clearly this is his will. The Holy Spirit 1st and foremost takes us down to serve the lost, the broken, the rejected, the fatherless, the lonely, the excluded etc.

If it doesn't take us there then we have another spirit - probably a religious spirit. The religious spirit leads us to be self-righteous, engrossed in church activities, meetings, groups, prayer days, social functions etc. It leads us to want to climb the ladder of religious success, it is self indulgent, but pretends this is bearing a good witness, it causes christians to aim for the 'top jobs' in the church,it causes us to be elitist and judgemental of the 'least of these' instead of serving them. It leads us to think that being a good christian means walking this way and having the affirmation and respect of 'man' not 'God.'

It is very deceptive and convinces even the elect.

Away with you spirit of Religion.

We have found you out.

Run

2009-05-04T17:03:00.007+01:00

Run from gospels that focus on your success and prosperity.
Run from those that use the name of Jesus Christ only for personal gain.
Run from those that are picking your pocket in the name of Jesus.

Run!

Run from gospels that focus only on self-improvement, or on three steps to a better personality.
Run from churches where men and not Christ are glorified.

Run, get out of that place!

Run from churches where there is no Bible, no cross, no searching Word, no repentance from sin.
Run when there's no mention of the blood of Jesus. It's an unclean place, so run!
Run from churches where the worship leaves you cold, where there's no sense of God's presence, because they don't know God.

Run!

Run from churches where you're comfortable in your sin. If you enter God's house with sin in your life, but you're not convicted of it, you're sitting at a table of devils.

Run!

Run from pulpits that are filled with politically driven men who use the pulpit of God for a personal agenda.

Run!

Run from those who preach division between races and cultures.

Run!

Run! Get out! Turn it off. They know nothing of God.
Run from ungodly, spasmodic movements and endless empty prophesying. Beloved Church.

Run for your life!

Run from preachers that stand, who tell only stories and jokes.
Run like you've never run before.

Run from those that are only after money and they use one gimmick after another to get your money. One foolish thing after another to get your money.

Run!"

( taken from 'Run' by Carter Conlon)

Backwards and Forwards

2009-05-03T12:09:00.017+01:00

I was thinking today how much time did the disciples and Jesus spend going backwards and forwards to church, church events, prayer meetings, charity events, church bar-b-ques, church social events, etc, as most christians seem obsessed with doing today. How much time did they spend talking about where the best place to live was and how to get their kids into the right schools? Where in the Bible is it recorded that the disciples had it down as top priority to spend regular quality time with their families/ wives/ close christian friends? - this is seen as 'gospel' today.

Maybe I have missed it, but I don't see it. Serving the Kingdom was the disciples highest priority and that always demanded a cost. Serving the lost the broken and the weak comes 1st. I have yet to be part of a church fellowshiop where the needs of the lost the outcast and the socially unacceptable are put 1st. Yes my children are important to me as would be my husband if I had one, and I do want to be the best Mum I can be, but God comes 1st and if that means my children or my spouse have to pay a cost in any way then so be it. Christianity has raised marriage and family to far higher status than Jesus ever gave it. This comes at the expense too of those who do not have a spouse or family. Those who have a special place in Jesus' heart. They are definitely made to feel like 2nd class Christians........How many single over 30s or divorced people write in christian magazines, lead churches or even write popular blogs???? How many even become christians or go to church??? Very few. The reason is we feel like we are not good enough and not acceptable if we are not part of a couple. Jesus saw family not as those with whom he had a blood relationship with but as those who were his brothers and sisters in Christ. So why is the 'nuclear' family held in such high regard in church circles!? I would say to the church 'we the lonely, the divorced, the single, the broken and the unacceptable want to be part of your family....but you close the door on us becasue we don't fit your idea of what a good christian friend should be.' This make Jesus unhappy.

Fellowship is good I agree. But a certain type of fellowship, one which places God at the centre and not man. One in which the only purpose in meeting is to build each other up so we can be better equipped and stronger to go in to the world and make disciples..... I can't do the normal type of fellowship anymore. Endless navel gazing, ego stroking and long clever prayers.... what's that all about? Hardly ever do I get a sense of urgency about getting out there and taking Jesus to the lost, the sick and the undesirables..... It's all about us and our needs, our lives and our aspirations for ministry/leadership. I can't do it. I can't go because if I did I would get thrown out!!

Some of the disciples left their families, some took them with them - but either way the Kingdom of God in the shape of rescuing the lost, healing the sick and preaching the word to those who had not heard it came 1st. That came 1st every time. I think the disciples would throw up if they came to the 21st century and saw what we had turned Christianity into. Jesus I think would stroll up to the front of church and begin a tirade against 21st century Christianity - just as he did to the Pharisees in his day.......

A self serving, elitist, self indulgent never ending circus of self gratification and ego stroking groups and meetings, conferences and exclusive events is about 97% of what I see in churches today.

Jesus had a bias towards the poor, the sick and the lost - it was they whom he chose to spend most of his time with. Yes he had fellowship with his disciples but as I read the Bible he seems only to have spent a small amount of time in meetings/fellowship with them and when he did the time was outwardly focused.

He was thrown out of the religious system then and would be today too.

Infact I think if he came to 21st century regular church in disguise it would not belong before they hauled him up beore their kangaroo courts and crucified him.

'I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.' - Rev 3:15-17

The Kingdom of God belongs to the Poor

2009-04-28T12:47:00.008+01:00

I've been blessed to be poor all my life. Financially poor, without my own home, with little money, without a husband or job, raising 3 kids alone, being scorned by society and rejected by the church. Yep, blessed, because when I was that 'low' that far down the pecking order of society and church it was so much easier to be a Christian. Easier to feel God, to hear his voice, to fellowship with him and to abide with him. The Bible backs it up too...

"Blessed are you poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.” Luke 6: 17-26:.....

This passage from Luke’s Sermon on the Plain, contains some of the freshest, most remarkable teachings of Jesus. He is addressing a large crowd of disciples and would be disciples, but he is primarily speaking to the poor. “Blessed are you poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.”
On the face of it, this is a preposterous statement. Who in their right mind would think of poverty as a blessing? On the contrary, don’t we all thank God for the blessings of our lives, for our food, for our homes and families, for friends and work and the many pleasures of life? We feel blessed when we are secure, when we know where our next meal is coming from, when we know there is warmth and comfort waiting for us at the end of the day, when we live in peace. Being poor would throw all those blessings into jeopardy. Being poor means being out of a job, or being sick, or being in the midst of life’s sorrows and challenges.
Perhaps we are so used to this saying, “Blessed are the poor” that we can’t quite grasp how radical it is, how shocked Jesus’ hearers must have been when they heard it. In Jesus’ day, as in ours, the poor were objects of pity. One gave alms, one helped them, but one was not expected to befriend them. One was not expected to envy their state or wish to be like them. Yet here is Jesus elevating the poor --- including those who are hungry, those who weep, those who are hated or looked down on---to the highest spiritual rank, the “blessed”.

Yep modern western Christianity has got it all upside down as usual. Here in our modern 21st century culture Christians believe you are blessed if you have a wonderful spouse, a safe secure home to live in, foreign holidays and spare cash in the bank, infact the more savings the more blessed you are of course. You are blessed also if you manage to secure quality schooling for your kids, if you have a a new car and plenty of like-minded christian friends to share the lie with as they are necessary to help continue the false belief that you are living in the blessing of Gods provision!

Not sure that's what the Bible says.

I'm good now after all these years I have a secure home, a good well paid job, a newish car on the way, money for holidays and many friends (though thankfully mainly non-'christian') - but really truthfully it's not good at all. How hard is it for a rich man to, enter the kingdom of God?

I need to give myself a wake up call.

So changes are afoot.

The Word of God

2009-04-27T12:51:00.005+01:00

The word of God has life.

The word has power and cuts to the heart of man exposing him and his motives for what they are.
The word can bring healing, touch the conscience and release freedom.
The word is living and active. It is sharper than any double-edged sword and cuts deep to the place where soul and spirit meet.

It reveals the true motives of man heart. On hearing the word I have yet to meet anyone who has not been strongly moved by it, whether it be forcefully against it or for it. The word speaks on its own. It doesn't need me to add to it or take away from it, although sometimes a little sensitive explanation can be useful to those who have never heard Scripture before.

I have always been used to using the word when talking about my faith whether in direct quotation or giving those who God draws me to an overview of what the Bible says and who Jesus is - and now my lips are sealed!

I have a problem ...... I am in a job in which I spend all my time helping those who are homeless or threatened with homelessness - 'the least of these' around us. It's been good. I have been able to offer practical help in the form of helping find housing for people, also because of my position I have access to a lot of funding from various charities for my clients - so they like that! I have been blessed to sit and listen for hours to stories of broken lives and lost hope and be a shoulder and offer encouragement and hopefully build a relationship of trust with those who have lost all trust.

It has been good. But now. Now I need to share the Gospel. I truly believe in the 'social gospel' with all my heart. Jesus practised this. He offered help to the sick and needy without always preaching at them. So that's what I have been doing for nearly a year. But now. It has reached the point where I feel the urge rising in me to tell my clients about Christ. As often (always) once we have helped them all we can they still fall back down into the pit. They need the life changing power of Christ to really change their lives. I've prayed and waited and watched and waited some more, waiting for God to show up and touch them. Without being able to share the word with them I'm stuck!

I am not allowed to talk about my faith, so either I do and get fired or I leave!

Then he said to them, "As you go into all the world, proclaim the gospel to everyone".- Mark 16:15.

2009-04-16T22:34:00.002+01:00

Why.

Earth inherited by Meek

2009-04-11T08:56:00.009+01:00

In a surprise announcement this morning, it was revealed that the Meek have inherited the Earth. The actual change of ownership itself happened three weeks ago, but the spokesperson for the Meek was too shy to contact the press. After much polite cajoling from fellow Meek Persons, the fulfilment of this ancient prophecy has finally come to pass.

A representative for the Meek gave us these comments - "As you know, the Earth was promised to us almost 2000 years ago by Jesus Christ himself, during his famous Sermon on the Mount. We have been Blessed for all that time, which was quite nice, but simply had to wait for the momentous event itself. The Earth and all it contains now belongs to us. By Divine Command, we Meek have absolute domination over the planet. We hope you don't mind". Blushing, she continued, "I know it's a bit of a big change, but it's really out of our hands. It's all a bit embarrassing actually".

The process of democracy has been rewritten to ensure that only the modest and passive are able to vote or run for public office. The first hiccup in this new system was caused when it turned out that no Meek people were planning to come forward as candidates. The most common reasons cited were "not wanting to cause a fuss" and "who would want to vote for someone like me anyway?". Assertive and confident candidates may have to be found in the meantime, until a truly Meek government can be formed.

Now that the Meek have inherited the Earth, what are they going to do with it? The Meek Affairs correspondent from The Times gave us this view : "The Meek have some very good ideas about tackling global problems. Unfortunately, very few of them are prepared to present these ideas to the international community, and when they do they tend to mumble so quietly that nobody can understand what they are saying. They really need to get assistance from some loud and pushy people, otherwise the fact that they are now the rulers of the globe is, frankly, going to pass completely unnoticed. The Meek need to stop being so acquiescent and submissive and get out there and kick some butt! Put plainly, they need to stop being so damned meek."

President Obama has already announced that he will be stepping down, to make way for the new Meek President, one Wilbur Cartwright. President Cartwright, described by his neighbours as "Nice and quiet,has used his first public statement to apologise to the United Nations for messing up their schedules. The "Reluctant Dictator", as the press have dubbed him, is planning to run the affairs of state from his two-room apartment on the fifth floor of his tower block, as the White House is "too grand for the likes of me". He has stated that he intends to have a telephone line and hopefully a computer installed in the near future.

When asked what their plans for the Earth are, the Meek are said to have timidly replied, "Umm.. we don't really know.

What do you think we should do?"

An Illustration of Meekness

A meek individual can joyfully accept the plundering of his possessions because he knows he has "in heaven a better and enduring substance" (Heb. 10:34). Because he has died to self he doesn't worry about injury and he bears no grudges. A humble shepherd boy in 'The Pilgrim's Progress' said it well: "He that is down needs fear no fall" (p. 219). The meek person is not concerned about defending himself because he knows he doesn't deserve anything. He doesn't run around trying to get his due. His priority is the well being of others not his own. He is happy to give of himself , his time and money for the wellbeing of others. He follows his Master in that he is prepared to lay down his life for his brother - for those in need.

1 Peter 2:21-22 says, This is the kind of life you have been invited to,the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step by step. They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right."

Jesus never defended Himself. How many believers (me included) spend out so much energy and time trying to defend our particular understanding of 'theology'? Many who heard Jesus were not meek. They spent much of their time defending their own holiness and hypocrisy. They lashed out at anyone who offended them. Their power was out of control.

WHAT ARE THE RESULTS OF MEEKNESS?

Receiving Blessing from God.

Jesus said, "Blessed are the meek" (Matt. 5:5). If you are meek you will be happy. Christ wasn't talking about the world's flippant, circumstantial happiness, but about a true and lasting joy.

An emphatic pronoun in the Greek text makes Matthew 5:5 read, "Blessed are the meek, for only they will inherit the earth." Proud people won't inherit the earth. Jesus said, "Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven" (Matt. 18:3).
The Greek word translated "inherit" (kleronomeo) means "to receive an allotted portion." The earth is the allotted portion of the meek.

You know I can't wait to get to heaven - a world full of meek, gentle, unselfish people who are happy to give of themselves and all that they have for another - because that's the Kingdom God is going to establish - and meekness is the top entry requirement.

One Touch.

2009-03-30T16:08:00.001+01:00

I don't know, I have absolutely no idea. I cannot explain. I do not understand. I cannot predict or be sure.

I feel. I felt. I felt him touch my soul I touched him. Tears rushed down my face. I connected and was fully restored in that touch. I raised my hand to the heavens and drank in the pure love he gives and I was full. It lasted a few seconds but in those few seconds I felt eternity and what was and is and is to come.In those seconds all the cares of the world were swept away. All the hurts were healed and all the confusion cleared.

I went with the sceptic inside, and a prayer in my heart. It took all I had in me to lift up my hand. As soon as I did the walls came down and He came in and lifted me high, with power, purity, freedom and total abandon.... and now a day after it's still there and this time I can take it out. And I'm going to take it out and come out and shout it out and tell the world what Jesus has done is doing and wants to do for all who come to him..... Our souls cannot find rest until they find it in him.

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Saviour has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace....

It was an amazing uplifting and God centred afternoon.

So I am a raving charismatic after all!

Thy Kingdom Come

2009-03-24T10:58:00.000Z

I asked God to appear! today because what with all this new found peace and tranquility I wasn't feeling very vital and alive to his kingdom around me.

And he did appear and send me reeling to the floor to my knees while watching/listening to this video.

Thanks Keith.

Terminal 5 Heathrow

2009-03-23T08:18:00.000Z

Spent the morning at Heathrow yesterday. It's amazing what man can do. Terminal 5 is like a futuristic city. Far too much 'space' though not really practical, but impresses the foreigners I suppose.

In sub-Saharan Africa, measles takes the life of a child nearly every minute of every day. An effective measles vaccine costs as little as $1 per child. (source: UNICEF)

Terminal 5 cost 4.3 billion. I don't like being part of the system.

The Old Ways

2009-03-16T08:32:00.000Z

So many times before I've 'left' church only to return.

This time though it's different. It' a daily growing conviction that I am not to go back. It's interesting to watch bits of me falling off! metaphorically speaking. Because I have been 'polluted' by the system just like everyone else has. I learnt to churchspeak, now I'm unlearning. I learnt to 'churchthink, now I'm unlearning, I learnt to churchact now I'm unlearning. I feel perhaps God has left me fellowshipless because if I had one other christian locally to meet with I may still continue on some level to perpetuate the stuff in me which was not grown there by God but by a man made, man thought out, man initiated institution.

I'm on a journey out.

Some though are fine with being in the IC. I have to allow them to be fine and not judge......I think I should think like that, then I read how Jesus spoke to the religious people of his day, who by all accounts were decent (nice) upright moral citizens.......

Matthew 23:
"The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat. So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.
Everything they do is done for men to see: They make their phylacteries[a] wide and the tassels on their garments long; they love the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogues; they love to be greeted in the marketplaces and to have men call them 'Rabbi.'

"But you are not to be called 'Rabbi,' for you have only one Master and you are all brothers. And do not call anyone on earth 'father,' for you have one Father, and he is in heaven. Nor are you to be called 'teacher,' for you have one Teacher, the Christ.The greatest among you will be your servant. For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are.

"Woe to you, blind guides! You say, 'If anyone swears by the temple, it means nothing; but if anyone swears by the gold of the temple, he is bound by his oath.' You blind fools! Which is greater: the gold, or the temple that makes the gold sacred? You also say, 'If anyone swears by the altar, it means nothing; but if anyone swears by the gift on it, he is bound by his oath.' You blind men! Which is greater: the gift, or the altar that makes the gift sacred?Therefore, he who swears by the altar swears by it and by everything on it. And he who swears by the temple swears by it and by the one who dwells in it. And he who swears by heaven swears by God's throne and by the one who sits on it.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You build tombs for the prophets and decorate the graves of the righteous. And you say, 'If we had lived in the days of our forefathers, we would not have taken part with them in shedding the blood of the prophets.' So you testify against yourselves that you are the descendants of those who murdered the prophets. Fill up, then, the measure of the sin of your forefathers!

"You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell? Therefore I am sending you prophets and wise men and teachers. Some of them you will kill and crucify; others you will flog in your synagogues and pursue from town to town. And so upon you will come all the righteous blood that has been shed on earth, from the blood of righteous Abel to the blood of Zechariah son of Berekiah, whom you murdered between the temple and the altar. I tell you the truth, all this will come upon this generation.'

As can be seen from the above passage Jesus was not afraid to stand against the religious of his day. Why are we afraid then? Sometimes it has seemed to me that churches discount these passages as only applicable to Jesus time. Not so. Jesus would not have spent so much time in the N.T. emphasising the evil of 'religion' as practised by the Pharisees and Saducees if it wasn't to be applicable for all time.

Jesus didn't care if people around him judged him - he spoke the truth anyway. He obviously could be seen as being judgemental by the way he spoke to the religious - but that didn't stop him. By speaking out we may save some form the grip of religion.... the ones that are ready, on the edge and questioning what's really going on in the IC. In my experience many within the walls know things are 'not right' but they are afraid to break free of the system because they would lose friends, or positions of power or authority they hold. Also many are scared into leaving for the fear of being labelled a rebel or one who isn't under the authority of the Pastor. That's a really scary concept for most Christians who really need to have the validation of their Pastor as a mark that they are a true believer.

What occupies my thinking when I'm thinking about church is what is really going on in that institution? As someone who has a strong faith and proof of the existence of the other side - the spiritual world going on just beyond our vision, I am concerned that so many people are being deceived by the institution. That propels me to write to express and to share my story. Maybe a few can be saved? from the grips of something which is doing the very opposite to what it propounds to do..... it is leading the faithful away from the cross, away from the heart of Christ and out of the reach of a loving heavenly Father who wants his children freed from their captivity....

So where is the church then? Because Jesus did instigate the practice of believers meeting together - so where is it?

Perplexed

2009-03-14T10:15:00.001Z

i'm a little perplexed.

i have so much good reading material around me at the moment both online and on my shelf. but when i try and read it almost immediately my brain shuts down.

now this is unusual and out of character.

I'm a little confused but not the slightest bit worried. like an observer i watch and study - myself.

i am alone but feel complete. i am broken but feel healed. i am lost but feel found. i am abandoned but feel rich. i am broken hearted but feel in love. i have left the church but feel a part of it for the 1st time. i am left behind but feel pursued. i am dead but feel alive.

can't say. don't know. no more waiting on blessings. no more crying out for help, no more torturous unanswered prayer that never ends. no more crying into my pillow. no more waiting for tomorrow.

everything is the same but changed completely.

Thanks be to God

Raw

2009-03-13T20:13:00.000Z

In my job I get to spend hours everyday with the outcasts of society. I get to sit in their filthy flee ridden homes, I get to hear their heartbreaking stories and see the reality of a world that doesn't give a damn. I get to share their pain, I get to carry it with them..... sometimes as I sit there I picture these poor lost degenerate? people walking into 'church' on a Sunday.

But I know and have seen that the church as we know it never accepts or fully includes these kind of people in to the 'family' of believers.

The church does not, has not on any level ever in my 20 year experience accepted and loved these kind of people. It would not tend to their needs and walk with them in their moccasins so to speak. And that is what the lost, rejected and outcast need - that is all they need - or how can they ever believe Christ is real? They don't need programmes or prayer meetings or structure or money or material stuff thrown their way - what they really NEED is people willing to make the sacrifice real love makes without thinking.... to walk with them, stay close to them, spend time with them, treat them as EQUALS, put them first before the needs of a church system, put them on a par with the needs of immediate family. How will they 'see' Jesus any other way.

Jesus calls us to die to ourselves. That means everything we hold dear - for his Kingdoms sake

When Jesus calls believers to make the needs of the lost and needy paramount in Matthew 25 he doesn't preclude it with a 'After you have 1st taken care of your own family or your own interests'........ he just says it plain and simple: if you don't care for the poor, the needy, the homeless, the destitute and the outcast around you, you will not get into heaven. End of.

So I considered the 'church' in my mind. I thought about it today. And I just cannot see how it can be truly following the heart of Christ while it rejects, ignores and abuses those on the edge of society - those who have a special place in Jesus' heart. Actually what the church really needs to be doing is putting the needs of these people 1st - before everyone else's. Instead it kicks the poor sods in the teeth and throws them out the back door, often with the 'blessing' of the Pastor.

So I'm glad I am out of traditional church. Because I have to be, I cannot align myself with a system that is so corrupt in its treatment of the weak. I need to be out here . Even if I am alone with no fellowship. Because by god that's nothing compared to what millions of people suffer the world over every second out here, while the 'church' by and large carries on in it's own 'sweet'? way looking after it's own and pandering to its own needs.

To hell with it.

Perplexed

2009-03-11T20:36:00.000Z

i'm a little perplexed.

i have so much good reading material around me at the moment both online and on my shelf. but when i try and read it almost immediately my brain shuts down.

now this is unusual and out of character.

I'm a little confused but not in the slightest bit worried. Like an observer i watch and study - myself.

i am alone but feel complete. i am broken but feel healed. i am lost but feel found. i am abandoned but feel rich.I am broken hearted but not missing you. i have left the church but feel a part of it for the 1st time. i am left behind but feel chased.i am dead but feel alive.

can't say. don't know. no more waiting on blessings no more crying out for help, no more torturous unanswered prayer that never ends. no more crying into my pillow. no more drama or waiting or being dragged some place i don't want to go. everything is the same but changed completely.

Blown by the Wind

2009-03-07T09:12:00.000Z

I'm having a weird time at the moment. Wondering what God is doing - because he's always doing something. I know he's always working towards bringing more healing, more truth or more understanding to his children. Often he works on one area while in another area we're really struggling. I can't 'see' clearly now what He's doing though. When I was in church it was always pretty easy to work it out. The teaching and the theology of 'church' gave me the guidelines to 'see' and guage what God was doing so to speak. Now though I'm enjoying rolling with life. Just following where it takes me with no effort. I have no plans, I have no agenda and I have no worries!

But I know my God and I know He's up to something even though I'm not sure what.

I've found myself out of church. My only friends now are my oldest (ha ha) and my longest. None of them are Christians in the usual interpretation of the word! So Fridays we get together about 6 or 7 of us with our kids and we eat and we drink wine and we all share with each other about what's going on in our lives. As the wine flows the conversation grows often very deep. Hearts are laid bare and support is offered. Sometimes tears flow, sometimes tempers flare as when you're that open with others and you know each other so well, it's more likely that you'll see personality clashes come to the surface. So there were a few disagreements and quite a bit of anger was released last night - as there always is! But we all have a hug at the end of the evening and go home and we all meet up in a week or 2 and do it all again.

So that's my 'fellowship' at the moment. I was sitting there last night watching 2 of my friends getting completely blind drunk and for a second I missed church...... with it's boundaries and the feeling that nothing bad or unsafe will disturb your world once you're a part of the institution.

I wanted to be with other believers, talking about God and praying, but that course of action is not available to me. Will God provide me with a believer to fellowship with - even one? who knows? I have my eldest daughter to talk to on the phone, and my friends over seas. It would be nice though just to have one person locally to chat with face to face. Someone single like myself. Maybe I should dig out my 'How to convert your friends in 3 easy lessons' book?

Maybe not!

I'll just pray a bit maybe and watch what happens.I'm sure God knows exactly what he's doing!

Revolution

2009-03-03T22:07:00.000Z

I can't stand your religious meetings.
I'm fed up with your conferences and conventions.
I want nothing to do with your religious projects,
your pretentious slogans and goals.
I'm sick of your fund-raising schemes, and your grand buildings
your public relations and image making.
I've had all I can take of your noisy egocentric-music.
When was the last time you sang to me?

Do you know what I want?

I want justice and mercy—oceans of it.
I want fairness and love—rivers of it.
That's what I want.

That's all I want.

~God.

Shipwrecked

2009-03-02T08:52:00.000Z

"On a dangerous seacoast where shipwrecks often occur, there was once a crude little lifesaving station. The building was just a hut, and there was only one boat, but the few devoted members kept a constant watch over the sea. And with no thought for themselves or their safety, they went out day and night, tirelessly searching for the lost. Many lives were saved by this wonderful little lifesaving station, so it became famous."

"Some of those who were saved, and various others in the surrounding area, wanted to become associated with the station and give of their time, money, and effort for the support of its work. New boats were bought, and new crews were trained, and the little lifesaving station grew."

"Some of the members of the lifesaving station were unhappy that the building was so crude and poorly equipped. They felt a more comfortable place should be provided as the first refuge of those saved from the sea. So they replaced the emergency beds and put better furniture in the enlarged building."

"Now the lifesaving station became a popular gathering place for its members. And they decorated it beautifully and furnished it exquisitely because they used it as sort of a club. Fewer members were now interested in going to sea on lifesaving missions, so they hired lifeboat crews to do that work. The lifesaving motif still prevailed in the club's decorations, and there was a liturgical lifeboat in the room where club initiations were held."

"About this time, a large ship was wrecked off the coast, and the hired crews brought in loads of cold, wet, half-drowned people. They were dirty and sick, and the beautiful new club was considerably messed up. So the property committee immediately had a shower house built outside the club where the victims of shipwrecks could be cleaned up before coming inside."

"At the next meeting, there was a split in the club membership. Most of the members wanted to stop the lifesaving activity altogether because it was unpleasant and a hindrance to the normal social life of the club. Some members insisted upon lifesaving as their primary purpose. They pointed out that they were still called a lifesaving station. But they were finally voted down and told that if they wanted to save the lives of various kinds of people who were shipwrecked in those waters, they could begin their own lifesaving station down the coast, which they did."

"As the years went by, the new station experienced the same changes that occurred in the old. It evolved into a club, and yet another lifesaving station was founded. And history continued to repeat itself. And if you visit that coast today, you'll find a number of exclusive clubs along the shore. Shipwrecks are still frequent in those waters, and most of the people drown."

This is how I remember my days in IC. A world of desperate drowning sick people outside the doors while those inside carry on in their little bubble. They plan to 'reach the lost' they have training programmes on how to 'save the lost', they have conferences on how to 'love the lost,' they have prayer meetings and prayer walks with the intention of 'meeting the lost.' But in reality all they really want to do is entertain themselves inside their safe little bubble with all their other safe little friends, and if by chance one of the 'lost' happens on their little bubble they find plenty of reasons why he shouldn't be allowed in side, plenty. And as for really connecting with and sharing lives with those truly complicated, difficult and needy people on the outside (the lost).....well perhaps after just one more training course........

The Institutional Church is a dead mans playground.

Beautiful Oxofrdshire

2009-03-01T21:58:00.000Z

Surprise!

2009-02-28T08:52:00.000Z

So now I'm back in my hometown after 3 years away because of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my local church. So I'm here now - right opposite the same church.

Crossed my mind - maybe God wants me to go back there! I've met with the Pastor and he apologised for the way he and others treated the children and I. Most of the congregation turned their back on us on the Pastors say so..... Lies were told about me, rumours spread, but the truth came out and everyone now knows I was scapegoated by a leader in the church. I saw this man for what he was and exposed him, but no-one believed me at the time. He did may vile underhand things to me and my children - and when I told the Pastor he called me a liar, a gossip and a trouble-maker. So I was asked to leave.... and everyone there began to ignore me in the street.... you know the story! Eventually when it was found out this man had been sleeping with a 15year old girl from the youth group the truth began to trickle out and I was vindicated and have been apologised to by quite a few of the congregation.

So anyway. Should I go back there now?

I thought yes..... I'm back here now and God is healing so many relationships and pouring his spirit on so many situations in my life - so maybe I should go back there and let him do some more healing?

Two of my non-christian friends are going through nasty break-ups. They both asked me this week if I would go to the church with them this Sunday. They know what happened to me there but know I have forgiven and its sorted now. I took this as a sign from God that he did want me to return there. I began telling my children of my plans.... silence mainly was their response. What they went through because of what the church did to us was unimaginable...they lost their home, their friends, their schools, their family when we had to leave town..... I could understand their reluctance.... but God comes 1st.

So i began to make arrangements for Sunday,sorting childcare for myself and my friends.... Then I felt a little nudge in my spirit. So I stopped dead in my tracks and I prayed. I asked God 'is this you God do you want me to go back there and be a part of that church again?........ the answer came like a thunderbolt - NO - it was so powerful it threw my mind and heart across the room...... NO was the answer a loud resounding emphatic NO.

So there you go! At the same time as I heard the no I had a rush of peace and a feeling of love flowed through me. I've had to tell my 2 friends I can't go with them. Instead I'm going with another friend to sit in the pub which is next door to the church - and meet them afterwards....

Surprise

2009-02-27T22:02:00.000Z

i had a bit of a surprise yesterday....

I had decided to go back to the church where the childrena nd I were

Run like a Child

2009-02-26T18:51:00.000Z

The things and objects of our desire bring us the greatest joy, but the flip side of that I have found is that the lack of the things or objects of our greatest desire inflict the deepest wounds to our soul. So better to have neither!?

If that were but possible!? because how can it be that we can be free - even if we want to be. Maybe we can't be - at the moment, but just to know that it is what God wants for us - is a good thing to know. Our maker desires us to be free from all the things that cause ripples in our pool. He desires us to be free and at peace with him and the world around us.

I'm realising though that the only way to freedom is too spill it all out. Flush it out. I know - that could be dangerous, but how else can we be free from the monster within unless we face him and run him down, expose him, every last bit of him, and allow God to kill him off. Get rid of the one thing that stops us coming to that place of rest. Holding stuff inside holds up the process, and I think that's what a lot of Christians do, for fear of what people may think, and how it may affect friendship circles and jobs and spouses. Christians in my experience in IC (Institutional Church) do it the best for fear of being found out...... Putting on this good show keeps them in positions of leadership, prominence and respect. Now I see God... why I found it so hard in IC. Because I lived with my insides out while most lived trying to keep their insides tightly locked behind a closed door. I must have been a very scary person to be around!

But you know what they are losing out big time. Because the only way to be truly free is to release all that is within, be purged of your 'self' Then there's only God left and you can run and skip in the field of life like the child, without a care in the world, and live without baggage or agenda or fear.

The Simple Life

2009-02-23T08:37:00.000Z

My beautiful hometown, from which I ran for many years. (why?!)

As I've walked this walk of faith over the past 20 years I never expected to finish up 'here' both physically - in this town, and spiritually 'here' as well.

Within the church from the moment I found faith it seemed to be all about attaining the dizzy heights of significance and respect within the system. This was the place we all either wanted to be or held in the highest regard. Those 'up there' they just knew whatever it was there was to be known. They had somehow entered into that sacred place of communion with God which we being sheep could only dream of. Of course this was always only subtly inferred - never really talked about - but we at the bottom 'knew' our place and our insignificance. The Pastor had authority, he had a special relationship and hearing with God - the Bible said so! and we had to do as we were told - or else risk being cut off from God altogether.

I did attempt after many years to climb the ladder myself once I'd watched and learnt how to play the game. And I did - but when I got near the top it felt colder and further away from God than when I was at the the bottom marginalised and in obscurity. I had only wanted to have more influence and credibility withing the system so I could better serve the poor around me and hopefully be a bridge for the outsider to feel more accepted in church. Along with the desire to be recognized and respected also came the desire to attain all the other trappings of the christian life.

I was and still am marginalised (if I'm in the system) because I'm not married..... All those in any sort of credible leadership or influence had to have 'partner perfectly chosen for them by God' It was and still is a 'mark' that makes you credible in the church system. In the church I just left being married was a prerequisite for any leadership position, unless you were 'youth' then it was ok. It is in most churches I know.... and that leaves a huge part of the population out in the cold. Why can't we have fellowship groups led by single-parents, the divorced, unemployed, poor, disabled and so on..... so many people are left out in the cold and not valued or recognised as having anything worthwhile to contribute within the church system because they are not married.And often those who are married behave as if they have some special blessing and those who have not yet been blessed by god in that way are somehow a lower class of christian.

Its like seeing a destitute freezing homeless guy on the street and crouching down next to him and saying - 'Hey good to meet you. How are you? I have a lovely big, warm, safe, cosy house on the right side of town and you know God chose it for me specifically..... it's perfect for all my needs'... and then smiling at him getting up and walking away. Who would do that? That's what it was like for me and many others when Christians spouted about how God gave them the perfect partner..... If God ever did give me the perfect partner I would not write about it, talk about it or broadcast it..... because I know the pain it causes so many lonely -'unblessed' people. Within the church then its a double whammy for people like me, not only was I poor and not middle class but I was also obviously 'unblessed' as I was without the necessary God given spouse which means you are automatically a lot further up the acceptable, credible, popular, christian ladder.

so anyway - back to the plot.

Here I am now after all those years and God finally sets me free.... out here. Not through a church service, not through someone laying hands on me, not through a 'great preacher' or a word or prophecy, not through anything remotely connected to the workings of the church system.

And now I am free from it all, including all my desires to do or be anyone while I'm on this planet. I still have love in my heart for the poor and socially unacceptable, those on the edge of society, but gone is that driving force propelling me angrily forward to serve them..... My desire for a husband is still there but it's quietly resting in my trust in God to act that way if he wants to. As far as my job goes - I love it but if God took it away - so be it.

I still have likes and preferences but can hold them loosely and let them go if necessary. I still have hope but it's a hope only rooted in God and not in anything of this world. It's more of a loss of that drive inside that pushes and is needy and self aware. We all by nature expect and even demand our rights - well that's gone now. I don't care if no-one likes me. Or if anyone rejects me or tries to abuse or use me - I just walk away from those situations. Before I would stay thinking I could bring redemption.......That's pretty amazing as I spent most of my adult life being abused or badly treated. I'm not afraid anymore either - of people or difficult situations - I just give them to God, it's his problem if he puts me in a tight corner - not mine.

All those years I thought I was doing battle with the devil, partly influenced by modern evangelical teaching - I was really doing battle with 'myself' that monster within. The monster we are all born with living inside us who unbeknown to us forces it's will on us and demands we fawn over it and satisfy it's lust for power, independence, love and recognition......

I'm wondering is the real goal of the christian life to deny that monster it's rule, to deny it any form of expression...... and die quietly in obscurity and ridicule without any credibility?

I think it is.

So after all that... God has placed me back churchless and poor in my hometown with the very people I walked away from (or at least had little to do with because of the church) all those years ago. Here is where I belong, thank God. With the people I grew up with who don't have much and are mostly confused, broken and messed up, but for whom in many, the monster mostly sleeps - or has been seriously injured so as not to present too much of a problem. And I'm finding that these precious souls out here in this supposedly Godless world are far closer to him in their hearts than any of the christians I ever met!!!

So I can just sit in my garden with those society rejects, with no agenda, and watch the clouds float by together and look at the daffodil shoots poking through the soil, and drink tea and watch my kids play happily. And not want for anything else. God has brought me full circle, he knew what was best for me all along....

2009-02-22T17:35:00.000Z

Making Peace

2009-02-20T12:23:00.000Z

This is the view from the upstairs window at the back of my new house - the house you can see with the white front is the house we left 31/2 years ago. We lived for those years in a new city in almost complete isolation, and I went to hell and back in my time there. We prayed recently and asked God to bring us back home - and he did. We have no money and are reliant on the 'system' which said it would not take us back.

But God did it.

We are here. And we are all busy making peace. Peace with our home-town, peace with the church opposite which rejected and abandoned us and caused us to have to leave town.
Peace with family, peace with old friends who we lost contact with. Peace with our enemies. My children are re-connecting with the kids they grew up with, and are safely enjoying being out and about around the estate in the spring sun this morning.

(The crocus in my garden came out to meet the sun today)

Peace and life. Life alive on this estate I hated with a vengeance in my home town that I had to leave behind to realise how much I loved it. People I once avoided I now am gleeful to bump into, because everything happens for a reason.....

I'm not avoiding anything any more I'm letting life take me, and I'm facing it head on. I am the church (Thanks Heather and Daniel for your post) I live with the 'common' people on this large sprawling housing estate, here is my community, my family and my home. I'm with people who understand me and know me and share similar life experiences to me.

I don't need the 4 walls of a church building anymore. I may pop in occasionally..... I met with the Pastor of the church which abandoned and abused me recently. He said he was sorry for what happened and invited me to go back. Funny how God has put me back almost next door to the church!!! But however many times I could go there I could not have what I have here - on the outside of the walls. Real life, real relationships, real sharing - authentic comminity.
In the church over a period of 20 years I never found that....

Every morning I wake up to the pigeons cooing and the birds making such a racket, and the sun beating through my window. I've never known the sun to shine so bright as it does on this estate. How the hell God gave us back our home is beyond me. It's exactly the same layout too as the one we left behind!! Everyday the children and I pinch ourselves....again and just look at each other. My kids have faith in God again... they believe because they have seen. Sometimes people need to 'see' when they have been through so much pain and loss....

This has been the biggest surprise of my life. Coming back here!

For the majority of my adult life I tried to escape this 'town full of losers'

When all the time it was where my destiny lay!

What have I learnt through all this:

Probably not to 'avoid' anymore.

To face life head-on with trust in God

To taste and savour what life delivers.

That there is purpose in everything.

That you can cause your own pain.

That you have to go with your heart. Even if it takes you to the depths of despair - it's a different journey for everyone, but it's the only way to freedom.

That facing your demons is a necessity on 'the journey' and must not, cannot be avoided

That if you hold on to God in the darkness and trust him to sort your life out, He will, even if it's through gritted teeth and a broken heart. It may take time for God to untie the knots you've made in your ball of string, and it will kill you. But eventually if you choose in your heart to follow Christ and you do the best you can, he will honour that. And bring you home, whatever and wherever 'home' is for you.

'Hey there Mister can you tell me what happened to the seeds I've sown?.....' .....well they're all here. After so many what I perceived as fruitless years and wasted energy in this town, I can now see the shoots! God used Bruce to carry me through so much of what happened to me.

What am I going to do now? Without the cloud over me, without the darkness, without the pain, without the desire to run, without the self destruct button, without the fear.............................. Step outside my front door and let the wind blow me wherever it wills!

Making Peace

2009-02-20T12:08:00.000Z

Crocus in my garden this morning

Snow in the Cotswolds

2009-02-10T11:12:00.000Z

The first 3 pics are of my house and the estate I live on. I'm so happy to be home!

View from the landing window

View from my living room window

In the town

My house

I love the snow! We rarely get any here so it's been such a treat for me and my children! I haven't even seen the grass yet since I moved into the new house 7 days ago.....

Overcome with Joy

2009-02-07T21:26:00.000Z

My daughter in the Oxford sweatshirt and my son in the hat and the kids they grew up with - I see a look in all their eyes, a special moment.

Great stuff, they came along in their little red and white van and connected my Internet this afternoon. They left a dirty great green cable strewn across my front garden though! I mean - what's that all about. I always thought Richard Branson was cool before today.....

Anyway I am back in cyberspace and have missed my blog friends so much, x

I'm overcome with joy.
I'm home.
Back in my hometown after 3 1/2 years in the wilderness of sorrow and suffering.

My kids grew up on this estate.

View out my landing window.... I cannot believe this! I'm home.

Under the old oak tree. And for the years of pain and torment, the many years I spent here on this very estate trying to get out of this 'town full of losers,' for the years I hated this small town with it's quirks and nuances and perceived small mindedness. For all the reasons over the past 20 years I hated this place.... because everyone knew me and I them and all your skeletons were always out the closet, no hiding here. For every single last dying reason why I had to go away, for it all.....

I thank God.

Because here..... when I go to the corner shop I am greeted by people I've known most of my life, by faces who know me, know my past, who I was and what I've done, there's an understanding, a 'hello how are you?'

I've lived in total isolation in a new city for the past few years and now - shit - I'm here, home. And I have no money. and no power, but my children and I prayed and here we are. We have a house on the same estate we left behind. God brought us home because it was no fault of ours that we had to leave.

It's the little things, as always. My history, my past, my me. My kids history, their past, their childhood, their and mine and me and everyone's I know - history.

Community.

I belong.

For better or worse.

I'm accepted, understood, smiled at, acknowledged, alive.

For all the reasons I left this place all the things I longed to find in the church....

They are all here in focus, 20/20 vision. Mine and real and alive.

There really is no place like home.

My children grew up here. When we left and I realised I had lost their home I ached inside for them. Their friends whom they had played with on the estate as they grew up. The life we had known. I had lost it. Because I couldn't stay after what the church did to me. But yesterday when we got home, the same kids were waiting on the edge of our drive. The same kids, but bigger. Waiting for my children. (picture at the top of all of them my 2 and the friends they grew up with taken last night)

Do you know..... There is a God. And he is everything he says he is.

I'm living a miracle.

Living room (moving day)

My son building his bed (with a little help)

The kitchen - My good friend who made all this possible! hiding though!

Going Home

2009-01-25T09:05:00.000Z

Home (The Estate)

We spent the weekend sorting and packing. Every now and then I would get a hug from one of my kids. No words. Just an unspoken understanding that we were going home. We had been given our home back.

I've been walking round the new house and garden and drive and I know I'm walking on a miracle. And I'm going home, and again I see the huge oak tree by the shop, the tree which my kids grew up playing under. I can see it out the landing window. And I hear the pigeons cooing and it reminds me of early morning feeds with my children when it was the only sound you could hear. There are 1,000s of houses in my district. I could have been placed anywhere by the council. But God knew I needed to go home right back to the heart of mine and my childrens security. We will have a secure family home which is ours and permanent. And it's so beautiful to me, words cannot describe. I probably won't be able to post again for a while as I won't have internet access there. But knowing me I may pop to the internet cafe.....

So many emotions as we pack up all our belongings and leave this city.
I honestly can't believe it. We're really going home. I'm so overcome, so utterly amazed.

Our House

I'm sat here overcome with emotion. It's good to touch the green green grass of home.....

House

2009-01-23T15:04:00.000Z

Asmost of you know 4 yeatrs ago one evening I could take no more abuse and lies about me from my church so i got my children in the car and drove away and finished up in a new city in a temporary accomodation. i gave up our beautiful family home. I've felt the cold shivers of horror so many times since that feteful eve. I had the Pastorshouting at me members of the congreation visiting me and in front of my kidsaccusing me of things which I never did. I was alone, no husband to support me and no-one to turn to. One day i couldn't take it anymore so i left town.

Much water has run under the bridge now. I'm still alone but god is my defender. I am healed, free and completetly