Mary Mary, Shackles

Spending some time out from Facebook and I seem to be blogging again. So many good things and so many bad things is Facebook!
I love this song and video.

So where is it at?

So where is it at then?

This was my question to God yesterday as I drove to visit a client of mine. I reasoned with God about the fact that church from my experience is where it is not. I asked God to take my hand because I didn't know how to get to that place in my spirit where he really 'is at'. I am at peace in my heart but I want more! I remember times in the past when God has moved in power to set the oppressed free when his power and glory were so evident in his workings with me and those I knew that it took our breath away. Somewhere along the line I lost that - mainly because of the abuse I received at the hands of church leaders of various sorts. It did something deep inside me. I withdrew. I lost trust. I have no fellowship at the moment. I don't have a husband. As I'm human I know I have a need for community and fellowship. Without that being available to me I have become very God reliant. Everything is one way traffic me and him or him and me there is no-one else in our equation.

But I know I need to be part of his Kingdom and I know for me to be healthy spiritually I need relationships etc. Also I want to see the power of God again move through my life and bring healing and help in life changing ways to those who need it.


For all these reasons I asked God to take my hand and lead me because I have no idea how to get to where I need to be. I imagined going to Hillsong on Sunday and being zapped by God onto this amazing spiritual plane or listening to worship music and having a vision a word or a prophecy.... or something similar.

I arrived at Suzy's house but couldn't get through the gate as it was jammed. Part of me was pleased, I wanted to keep going with God, get back into my car and follow this prayer through.... After alot of barking (of her dog!) and rattling with locks Suzy appeared on the porch and came to the gate to let me in. I was trying to use the catch to unlock the gate. She gave it a hefty kick and the thing swung open.... I pondered on that for some reason.

Inside her house it was freezing and dilapidated. The walls looked like they could fall down at any time! She had no food and no milk even to make me a coffee. I work with the homeless and those threatened with homelessness. Suzy was close to being evicted. She hadn't paid her rent or council tax for months! She was about my age but looked and dressed 10 years younger, about 35. She was pretty and blonde and could have had the world at her feet!? -whatever that means!

She was so bouncy and happy and easy going. She had no money and is in 1,000s of pounds worth of debt. She is in danger of losing her rented house. She has 2 teenage kids who have no mobile phones, no computers, no ipods or tv's or anything like that. Her house was full of old mainly broken furniture from the 1960's. She looked me straight in the eye as we chatted, with a big smile like she hadn't a care in the world. She got to me.

I had a form to fill in to apply for benefits for her. This was a form she didn't return in July because it was too complicated for her to understand. She had had £50 to live on for 6 weeks., She was very thin. In the UK the government provide for those with children who are on a low wage or unemployed through a benefit system. They make the system so complicated many don't get what they are entitled to. I asked her why she hadn't filled the form in - I couldn't understand it she said... She was so calm. I would have been in a state with no money for 6 weeks and kids to feed. She works part time. Her boss pays her £3 per hour - that's illegal for a start. She owes him money as it's his house she lives in. He takes it off at source £150 per month.


To claim benefits she had to produce so many documents none of which she could find. She went off running around the house like a child pulling open drawers and cupboards searching for the documents I asked her for. She was endlessley courteous and polite with me. There were piles of papers everywhere. She emptied her bag out it was also full of papers. She was so patient with everything I asked her for. After about 15 minutes she found the 1st document and proceeded to jump up and down with glee! I had no faith in her finding the next one - the end of year tax return... off she went again upstairs and down in and out of cupboards and drawers strewn with paperwork....she found this too! We filled in the form together it took an hour in the end to find everything.


Suzy gets short shrift from my colleagues and other professionals who know what shes like. She's a walking nightmare to them and they blame her totally for the disorder and difficulties that surround her....
In her little chaotic home with no food, no milk, no heat and no electric Suzy shone anyway. She is maybe a little ditzy and eccentric. She had a troubled childhood and has been abused and taken advantage of by many who should have known better. She's made some errors in her life choices and she does need to take some responsibility for her actions - or so they say... but she shines anyway.

I left Suzy's house and stepped out into the bright but chilly Autumn sunshine. I immediately felt a nudge in my spirit and felt Gods prompting in my heart.....he said to me 'that's where it's at'
I got back into my car and burst into tears. I knew exactly what God meant and I had felt his touch as I spent time with Suzy.

I went bact to the office but got no sympathy from any of my colleagues for Suzy. She's made her bed and apparently we should leave her to lie in it. No can do. I rang a local charity and managed to get her a food parcel ordered to be delivered next week. I went home still concerned about how she was going to manage the weekend. I prayed frantically for God to show me how I could get food and money to Suzy - I am not allowed to 'give' her any money or goods it's against company policy. 3 am in the morning. Wide awake praying for Suzy. I felt God drawing me to think of starting some sort of charity which gives food vouchers and household items, without condition, to the poor and those in need.......... crazy God, crazy me!

He's taking me by the hand....

Blessings and Woes

As most of you know I have had a hard time in institutional church. The IC tends in the main to run as a business with a hierarchical model - much like the 'world' Also much like the world the poor, the outcast,the socially inept the single parent, the uneducated and the homeless get mistreated,ignored and deprived of having any real voice or influence in the IC. I have suffered untold and told abuse at the hands of those who supposedly are shepherds of the flock. It has been the same for every other person from my background that I've taken to church. So what's that all about?
I was praying this morning and asking God why he allowed myself and my children to be treated this way in 'His' church? Surely anyone with only a minimal knowledge of the Bible knows that much is said about protecting, nurturing and leading the widow and fatherless gently....
So why God why did you let us be so viciously treated at the hands of your very own ministers and leaders? And not just me but everyone else too?

If your face and background fit you will never see or feel the abuse. That's the problem. IC can be a great place to be a christian - if you find favour with the leadership because your lifestyle, family and background are considered 'acceptable' It's also a bonus if you have some hard cash to 'give' on a regular basis.
This is the truth.


One day those who abused me, ignored and shunned me because I didn't have the 'right' credentials will have to give an account to God for their actions. The thing is I don't know anyone else personally who has spoken up about the way they have been treated by IC - I have watched so many from my background go to church and leave quite quickly - but they don't have the courage to speak out. The middle classes are scary to them. They baffle them with eloquent speech and long words. They have money and power and influence.The poor are aware of their shortcomings. The IC causes the poor the uneducated and those who don't 'fit' the required and acceptable mold of a believer to feel even more inadequate. The last thing they will want is a confrontation - on every human level they know they would lose - so they leave.

I hope and excuse this if it sounds a bit harsh.... I hope that on judgement day Jesus will bring every poor, rejected, lonely, outcast, homeless and desperate person I took to church into the great hall. Then he will bring the leaders of the church in who rejected, ignored and shunned them and then I hope he will ask them for an explanation and then I hope he will judge accordingly. Sounds to me a bit like a story Jesus told here....


We - all of us are without excuse if we mistreat the poor. The Bible is clear as to what awaits for those who behave this way...

What surprises me is the way so many Christians concentrate on showing and telling the world about their blessings of wonderful husbands/wives and families and Gods provision of their amazing church/house/car/holiday/promotion etc etc. Do these Christians ever stop and think what their boasting does to those in the gutter who have lost their spouse, their homes, their jobs and are struggling to survive?
I don't recall Jesus ever going on like this. Hang on, I know, remember the time he walked right up to a disabled, homeless guy on the pavement and told him how God had blessed him with amazing legs so he could walk run and skip. Of course then Jesus went home and wrote all about it on his blog telling the world about how God had blessed him..... I think not. Jesus was too humble and thoughtful to do that!
If I ever do get 'blessed' with a spouse and my own home and the regular comforts all my christians brothers and sisters consider 'blessings' I will not speak about them as I would not want to cause even more pain and heartache for those who have not or worse still, had but lost.

These are the blessings Jesus spoke about so I have no problem with anyone boasting about these...

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when men shall hate you, and when they shall exclude and mock you, and throw out your name as evil, for the Son of Man's sake.
Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven, for their fathers did the same thing to the prophets.
"But woe to you who are rich!
For you have received your consolation.
Woe to you, you who are full now,
for you will be hungry.
Woe to you who laugh now,
for you will mourn and weep.
Woe, when men speak well of you,
for their fathers did the same thing to the false prophets.

Well I didn't plan for this post to go this way... but it has got me thinking about all those happy blessed, full and highly regarded christians out there...... who like to write endless blog posts showing just how much they have and how richly God has blessed them..... Taking into account the above verses the 'blessings' they so want to ram down our throats are not from God at all!!! I'm not saying christians shouldn't write about Gods provision or Gods healing power or Gods intervention in their lives - that's fine and good as testimony is always uplifting. But 'bragging' about a 'blessing' that God doesn't even call a blessing is wrong and very hurtful to those who are struggling and suffering and have not.

I recently had some correspondence with a christian (no-one who reads my blog!) who constantly goes on about 'his' and 'his' families 'blessings' I challenged him about this and explained how it could be very hurtful to those who had nothing. He disagreed and was very self righteous with me so much so it had me quite tearful, I deleted his last message as I am not clever enough to respond using the kind of language he uses and also as a woman who has already been so abused and downtrodden by the IC I just don't have the strength to fight what he says.

Reading the above verses highlighted in red though I feel comforted. I surely am blessed!

A Small Voice

There's something scary for me now about Institutional Church.

The veil is slowly lifting.

How can an organisation built on worldly principles of money, power, elitism and exclusivism really be a true representation of a church begun on the back of an outcast, a pauper, an excluded and rejected individual who went completely against the norms of his society? Someone who because of who he mixed with, what he preached, and how he lived this out so authentically got himself murdered by the religious people of his day.

I love you Jesus.

I will build your church in my life with the everyday messed up broken people I meet who have no standing in society and who would, could, not fit the mold of good church goer. I cannot take anyone else to institutional church to watch them get ignored, belittled, judged and excluded because their lives don't match up to the shiny oh so perfect (on the surface) lives of the Pastor and his leaders..... Church is supposed to mean equality, the priesthood of all believers, each has value and worth. Someone please shout it out in the street - the church is not built on the principles and examples Jesus gave us of how to be a christian. Unfortunately it's a trap. A genuine believer can very soon find himself stripped of his individuality, his calling and his passion for Christ as the wheels of the system begin to squeeze it out of him for the sake of the smooth running of the beast.
Matthew 25:31-46 is a warning to those who call themselves christian but do injustice to Gods little ones. I've watched them do this injustice over and over again and even acknowledge to me that it's done - because they know they can get away with it - the wheels of the church will keep turning no matter how they treat Gods little ones. Thank my God that he is an avenger for those who have been treated like this.

Just because someone has a chequered past, lives on the wrong side of town, does not have the 'right' education and does not speak 'properly should NOT disqualify him from being treated as a real christian with something to offer!

The ones with the past, with the histories of abuse, misfortune,suffering and alienation are the ones who can teach us the most about how Jesus can transform a life. But they never get the chance to speak.

I have a friend an alcoholic friend who found God and started to come to church. He was ignored by the Pastor for about a year - in fact I think the Pastor only spoke to him once in 2 years..... My friend stopped drinking and started praying and going to the 'groups' at church. Even so no-one really befriended him. A few visited and stayed a while, occasionally, but he was and never did become one of their 'friends' he was just a job to be done a service to be provided for. Eventually they abandoned him as they had plans for their lives which took them away from him. He's sweet, he doesn't complain. They had careers to be worked on wives/husbands to be looked for, important friends to be entertained, lives to be lived which meant they could not make space for my friend. Give up your life Jesus says, lay it down for your brother - when I confronted one of his christian 'visitors' on this and suggested he lay down his life for his friend he practically went beserk at me. 5 years on. My alcoholic friend has lost his faith. He returned to drinking. He has cancer now. He is dying. I've seen this story repeated so many many times in different churches over the past 20 years.

Grace to those out there who are building authentic christian communities based on the 'real' gospel of love, inclusion and forgiveness where the power and pressence of Christ is given free reign.

The sign of a real church is the way they treat the poor, the outcast, the misfits and the socially unacceptable. Jesus modelled this by the way he lived. If Jesus was here today he would march into the churches we have and turn the tables over.


No more.

No way.

Not for me.

Action Against Hunger

Revelation

I've experienced a dramatic shift in my experience of God and calling to the poor.

For 20 years it's been directed at working alongside the poor in my own country. On a very typical day last week God moved in my spirit and gradually the scales fell. We're all on a journey mapped out for us by our God and Saviour. Others I know have come to this awareness I have many years ago, but this 'time' was my time for God to awaken me. We were on holiday driving through the narrow country roads of North Devon and everything looked normal but I felt anything but 'normal' It was quite dramatic - as things tend to be with me. One second I was who I have always been, the next a door opened up inside me and I saw a new horizon, a million new thoughts began racing through my brain, a new awareness of the suffering and dying of millions of MY brothers and sisters around the world smashed my guts out.

A new fire began to burn within desperate to run and run and run. What could I do? a middle aged,(relatively) poor single parent living in a small English town, with no finance and no 'connections'. What could I do? Apparently something! It felt like the starving and suffering in the world were asking me if I would give myself and what money I could to them to help them. Suddenly these people were 'real' to me reaching out to me, I gave up fighting back the tears and let them fall. My children were probably a bit surprised - but knew something very important was happening to their mother!

32 people a minute die of starvation in the world, while our supermarket shelves overflow and we in the West fight obesity. I am responsible for doing as much as I can to alleviate the suffering of those in the 3rd world. They truly are 'the least of these' referred to in Matthew 25. What else can we do but give as much as we are able. I have a responsibility before my God who cares for the starving and the destitute. I have a responsibility to reach out and do whatever I can - however little it may seem to me - nevertheless the responsibility is there. All Christians have a responsibility, to do all they can.

I don't need much really to live. I may desire or want but I don't need.

My life needs to reflect this. I've been blind and ignorant. I've been greedy and selfish and self indulgent. I've been lazy, arrogant and hard-hearted, towards my dying brothers and sisters in other countries. Yes I have worked tirelessly for 20 years to help the 'poor' in my country but they are not dying of starvation they are not denied the basic necessities needed to live. We have become a greedy, selfish, indulgent,demanding nation always wanting more and more.

My eyes have been opened to the suffering of my brothers and sisters around the world, the hungry, the destitute those ravaged by famine and war. This revelation has 'got' me. It fills my waking hours and my dreams. I'm itching to give, desperate to change the way I live. Suddenly aware of how the way I live needs to change drastically. Like a light going on. It's taken a hold of me, it has a life of it's own inside of me like it's running and I'm running with it.

Yes the only way to God is through Jesus. But there is so much in the Bible about caring for the poor and the stranger, even if they never come to believe. The rich man and Lazarus passage does not say Lazarus was a believer......
It's not a choice I've made, it's a choice which has been made for me, by His Spirit I believe.

I now have an urge to give and give and give even though I am 'relatively' poor and usually have no money left at the end of the month. A little bit disconserting, but when I sat down and worked out how much I spend on things which I don't really need I was saddened.

Thew joy though and the speed of life running through my veins at the moment is amazing. Really giving to the poor until it hurts changes one inside and allows more of the Spirit to flow through a life.'In giving you receive' I always believed that meant receive financially but you know I think it means spiritually!

Simple living from now on.

All sorts of implications though. Christmas? Birthdays? Holidays? New furniture? houshold items? clothing? sorting out what is necessary and what isn't. Explaining to extended family why I've turned into a tree hugger overnight! and on and on.....






Give.


One day we will have to look these people in the eye.

One day we will face judgement based on what we did to 'the least of these'

I Jumped!.....

So I listened to myself and jumped and 3 weeks later the repercussions of that leap are filtering through into every area of my life. My life and focus and energies have shifted. Here is where the story began.....

One morning and one prayer. I asked God to intervene in my life and told him I was prepared to 'run this race for the least of these' whatever the cost.
I work in a non christian organisation which supports the homeless and those threatened with homelessness. It's forbidden to talk about my faith. It's forbidden to offer help or support to those who are not part of our caseload.

When Drew called the office asking for help I knew this was the 'moment' I would have the chance to put my prayer into practice. He was not our client. Infact he was a difficult ex client that my colleagues were glad to see the back of. I took his number and called him back later when out of the office. He cried and sobbed he was such a mess. He was an alcoholic and close to death. While talking to him I had this thought flash through my mind. Then with no warning the thought turned into words falling out of my mouth. I offered him the opportunity to go to a rehab I knew. It was a Christian rehab. I had no idea if he was a believer. This was totally against company policy. He said he wanted to go. He said he had a faith when he was younger before his life took a nose dive. How would I get him there? I offered to take him - it was a couple of hours drive. This was totally against company policy. By now I had resigned myself to losing my job. I had crossed every boundary.

Drew was accepted at the rehab and I was driving him there 3 days later!

Well what the hell to do now? I felt I had to come clean with my manager - who is not the most empathetic and soft hearted person I know! I braced myself and called her. By now I was walking on the water and let me tell you it was exhilerating!
I explained all that had happened and that I was prepared to take Drew myself at my own cost in my own time to the rehab. I could hear the silence on the other end of the phone while her brain processed the crazy things I was telling her, she had to make a decision about what I had done! She said I could take him! I punched the air and thanked God. I was flying by now! I told my colleagues the story and they were pleased, surprised and a bit bemused by the normally quiet shy woman who sits in the corner and doesn't speak much doing something so 'out of character'.

The next day I had a call from my manager while sitting at my desk. All ears I knew were on me in the office. She said she had spoken to the company director and he had said they would pay for my expenses (fuel etc) for me to take Drew, also they would pay for my time! also Drew was to become my client from that time forth.

Also on this day that small prayer was about to become the chrysalis for something much bigger than I could ever imagine..... God is true to his word when we jump out of that boat in total reliance on him.

Jump

If you want to walk on water you've got to get out of the boat.



Everything will tick along nicely once you've learnt to steer the boat and manage the different weather patterns. After many years of struggle and near death experiences the storms will die down. Occasionally there will be windy days and cold days and blustery days which will test your skills to the limit. All though are now well within your ability to control...........



Unfortunately though to live life at its most exhilarating you have to leave that boat from which you have finally mastered the skills of living. To live a life drenched in the Holy Spirit with God pounding like thunder through your veins, you have to leave it, step out of that boat you have so carefully mastered over the years and risk drowning and losing everything.

Unfortunately this is the only way to really experience the fullness of following Christ. All else is but vanity and a chasing after the wind.

So what if I lose my job, my money my house my security (again).... so what if I don't have any cash or any retirement fund, so what to it all. We cannot take anything with us but the things we built in and for the Kingdom while on this earth. And Jesus shows us by his life that material possessions worldly security and the praise of man count for nothing in the Kingdom of God. What counts and what will not be burnt away by the fire is our Kingdom building - our obedience to his calling and our willingness to lay it all down for honour of following Jesus. On the positive side it's by once again getting out of the boat that we feel the rush of the wind of the Spirit and the power of the presence of God right by our side. If we are not feeling his presence, his power and his calling maybe we need to shake off the dust and jump out of that boat. I know I need to.

Michael Jackson's Children

May the Lord watch over you.

May he hold you close all the days of your lives.
May he send believers who truly know and understand who you are across your path.
May he shower you with love and and steep you in his comfort.

May he cause your light to rise in the darkness,
May there be healing and solace for you and may there be no lasting damage for you
May the circumstances of your birth and the unanswered questions about your parenthood never cause you distress. May God do a miracle in all 3 of your hearts - may he fill you with purpose, with strength and with fortitude.

May he reveal his plans for each of you so that you have focus and become aware of your calling early on in life

May the good things your Daddy taught you keep your souls alive, invigorated, open and true.
May God protect you from the unkindness of the media, may you find favour in their eyes.

May your security come from the deep well which is Christs fingerprint on your souls.
Whether you ever come to know Jesus or not may he hold you, keep you and be the backbone of your lives as a good parent should be.

Bless you Prince
Bless you Paris
Bless you Blanket

I have decided to commit to pray for these children every day until they reach adulthood, please commit with me
..... Do something unexpected and wonderful in their lives Father.

Who says history repeats itself - not the Bible and not in the case of these three precious gifts from God.

Amen.

Verses God gave me for Michael Jackson's children:

Ps. 10:14. The unfortunate commits himself to You; You have been the helper of the orphan... O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear to vindicate the orphan and the oppressed.

Prov. 31:8ff Open your mouth for the dumb, for the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and defend the rights of the afflicted and needy.


Is. 58:10. "And if you give yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness, and your gloom will become like midday. And the LORD will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."

A Tribute

I've never been a Michael Jackson fan yet his death has moved my soul. It's made me think about my own mortality. He's only a few years older than me. His life was lived through a lens we could all look through. His successes and failures magnified for the world to see - and judge. I'm feeling a huge loss. Surprised, not in character for me these days - emotion! I remember walking through the old high echoing corridors of school as a small child and hearing 'ABC' on someones radio - memory so clear, I hear it now. I grew up with Michael Jackson he has been in the backstage of my whole life.

I always loved 'Black or White' the song had such a great beat and energy. Apart from that record I never took much notice of Michael, I felt he had been dealt a tough hand in life and maybe 'messed up' some....but. His life was 'messed up' from the start. All our lives are messed up from the start. We all do things we regret, things that are bad and distasteful. But I did bad as well, you did bad, we all did bad - in Gods sight.

So now he has gone - so unexpectedly. Strangely though for someone who was not a fan his death has moved me. It has made me search my soul and think long and hard about my own mortality - my death, and the life I have left, how will I live it? how will I use it?

Michael Jackson's thought on faith...:

When I was young, my whole family attended church together in Indiana. As we grew older, this became difficult, and my remarkable and truly saintly mother would sometimes end up there on her own. When circumstances made it increasingly complex for me to attend, I was comforted by the belief that God exists in my heart, and in music and in beauty, not only in a building. But I still miss the sense of community that I felt there--I miss the friends and the people who treated me like I was simply one of them. Simply human. Sharing a day with God.

When I became a father, my whole sense of God and the Sabbath was redefined. When I look into the eyes of my son, Prince, and daughter, Paris, I see miracles and I see beauty. Every single day becomes the Sabbath. Having children allows me to enter this magical and holy world every moment of every day. I see God through my children. I speak to God through my children. I am humbled for the blessings He has given me.

There have been times in my life when I, like everyone, has had to wonder about God's existence. When Prince smiles, when Paris giggles, I have no doubts. Children are God's gift to us. No--they are more than that--they are the very form of God's energy and creativity and love. He is to be found in their innocence, experienced in their playfulness.

My most precious days as a child were those Sundays when I was able to be free. That is what the Sabbath has always been for me. A day of freedom. Now I find this freedom and magic every day in my role as a father. The amazing thing is, we all have the ability to make every day the precious day that is the Sabbath. And we do this by rededicating ourselves to the wonders of childhood. We do this by giving over our entire heart and mind to the little people we call son and daughter. The time we spend with them is the Sabbath. The place we spend it is called Paradise.

- Michael Jackson

Something warm and alive seeps through my veins as I watch the video on this post. I don't know Michael's heart - we can all pass judgement and condemn him but thankfully only God has the right ultimately to do that (phew!)

I feel like I will see him again! is that weird!?

'In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?

In My Trials
And My Tribulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart.' - Michael.


Rest in peace Michael and thank you for it all, for all you gave, all you carried, all you lost and forgive us for all we stole from you.

God rest your soul and bless your beautiful children.

x

Shaun's Flat

Shaun's flat is definitely the last place anyone would choose to spend an afternoon. I'm willing to bet that within the past 20 or so years Shaun's only visitors have been fellow alcoholics, drug users or those with mental health problems. I was taken there by a complete stranger who accosted me on the street, he was very drunk - practically unable to stand! he tried to speak to me but he was incoherent. The stranger was sitting on the floor outside the block of flats I was visiting to see one of my clients who was threatened with homelessness. He caught my eye as I approached. The stranger motioned me over to him. He seemed to be playing with an object on the floor which at first I thought was a knife.... He attempted to stand but fell straight over. He tried again and this time I got his arm and locked it in mine. In his drunken stupor he seemed to know something I didn't. He kept mumbling at me and attempting to point in a certain direction.... We stumbled together me trying to hold him up toward the flat on the ground floor. All the time my friend, the drunk stranger seemed to want to tell me something but he was too intoxicated to speak clearly.

Into the flat we went. Who was in there? I had no idea, what would happen to me in there? I had no idea. The flat consisted of one room and a kitchenette. It was so filled with smoke I couldn't see clearly and my throat tightened trying to breathe. There were piles and piles of rubbish all over the floor. Moldy food, litter and so much junk. The place stank of urine. One table in the middle piled so high with beer cans and cigarette ends I just stared at it - how could a human being live like this? I've seen a lot of filthy, messy, untidy houses but never anything like that.

I noticed my client was sat in the corner. Daniel smiled at me a great big beaming smile! 'Ello' he said - so you met my mate Alec.... Alec the drunk stranger had been posted at the door to bring me in to Shaun's flat. Alec looked pleased with himself he had succeeded in his mission. On another chair covered in rubbish and cigarette ends sat an old man. I smiled and said hello to him. He was so drunk he couldn't get any words out. Daniel told me he had been like this for over 30 years. Apparently I was to find out later - Shaun was dying, due to his alcohol abuse. His body was giving up. Dying a death in that hell hole with no dignity and no hope. It was like it was too late for Shaun. Daniel later told me he was sleeping on Shaun's sofa to keep and eye on him if he went unconscious. He didn't like the thought of Shaun dying alone. Bless Daniel.

Shaun never spoke a word to me. He never gave me eye contact. The next time I visited Daniel we talked a lot about the help Daniel could get with his alcohol problem. We shared a few jokes and we chatted about how best Dan could work at changing the habits of his lifetime that had brought him to a place where he felt he had no hope. Dan and I have a rapport - it doesn't happen with all of my homeless clients. It seems to be a relationship that so far works well. Dan is making incredible progress - he has detoxed from a 10 year heroin habit - and stayed clean for a few months. Now he needs to tackle his alcohol problem - in his time. Shaun never said a word. He was completely drunk and filthy from head to toe. The flat stank. I sat on a sofa covered in urine! My clothes were wet. I shuddered.

Last week I visited for a 3rd time. I walked in the flat. I got the shock of my life. It was tidy. No cans, no cigarette ends, no urine smell, I could see the carpet. The bed had covers on it. I could see the table. It was - to me- a miraculous transformation. And Shaun was soba. Sat there in his right mind with clean clothes on and his hair brushed. He looked like a human being. I had a fit on the spot and wanted to jump up and down with joy. Shaun spoke to me for the first time. That was a 'Kingdom' moment for me. He was thinking clearly. He had detoxed on his own with no medical support. He had simply 'stopped' drinking alcohol. He could have died without proper meds, but he didn't die. I had resigned myself to the fact that it was too late for Shaun as he was such an old man with so many many years of alcohol abuse. But it seems like someone I know hadn't given up on him and didn't think it was too late. It's early days yet for Shaun but I saw enough to know...

That's my God for you.

That is my God!

Daniel and Lorraine......

I get it. I'm born again. I'm free and at peace with myself and God - finally.


But what about Daniel and Lorraine and Tracey, Carla, Heidi and Alec - please God what about Alec? what about Andy and Dane, Shelly and Mary... Chris?


I think there must be something else. There has to be something I'm missing.

Because if heaven is full of those 'nice' christians that I meet at church who are as nicey as pie to you as long as you keep your distance and 'obey' their every request, who have no idea how to love unconditionally like Jesus did.... if heaven is gonna be full of those churchy people who have been brought up in christian homes and so think they are better than the Daniels and Lorraine's of this world and look down their holy noses at them....I don't want to go... hear me God, count me out. I want to stay with the humble, the broken the kind the loving the meek..........


Daniel was the eldest of 8. He was brought up single handedly by his Mum on a poor housing estate with little or no money sometimes. He was a quiet sensitive boy who loved his Mum dearly, but he couldn't cope with the constant fights and arguments between his warring parents. From and early age he was torn between them always having to make decisions about which parent to stay with at the weekend and which parent to go on holiday with. It tore him apart inside. Daniel was to fragile. Family and home was important to Daniel and family and home were damaged beyond any repair. He failed at school because he couldn't concentrate. He failed at making the teachers like him because he was always late, tired and in a bad mood. At 14 someone offered him his first line of cocaine. It felt great. The whole of his world lit up and became warm, safe and embracing - like the happy family life he never had. Heroin soon followed on cocaine's trail and from then on things just became a blur and still really are a blur 15 years later.

Now Daniel - to my knowledge is not born again. So he's on his way to hell according to the popular interpretation of Scripture...... But I have a secret! God loves Daniel with such a fierce intensity it nearly strikes me dumb sometimes when I talk to him. God loves him so fiercely just being in a room with him I feel the power and mercy of the Holy Spirit rolling over me and I see God in Daniels eyes when I can see them through his long matt of scruffy hair. He informed me someone told him he looked like Jesus - he liked that.

Daniel never had a chance. John on the other hand was brought up in a christian family in a large house in a beautiful area of Devon. Everything was planned out for him from birth. He had his own beautiful room overlooking the 2 acre garden. He went to the local church school and onto one of the best secondary schools in the south of England. He went on to secure a good degree at University and a great job after. His parents doted on him and he had everything a child could need to grow up secure and balanced. They were christians of course. John prayed the prayer at 7 and 20 years later is a youth leader and home group leader in his church. He is safe in the knowledge that he is a good God fearing moral and upright citizen living according to Gods laws and therefore on his way to an eternity with God.

Sometimes John comes across people like Daniel in the voluntary work he does for his church. He knows he should feel compassion and concern for people like that but really he just feels like that ultimately we make our own choices. He feels people like that only have themselves to blame for not making the right choices and allowing themselves to fall into such a pit of despondency, addiction, hopelessness and despair. John has an abundance of church friends who all help reinforce his belief that he is living right for God - he doesn't associate with people like Daniel for any longer than he has to. It wouldn't do his christian cred any good if he did.

John is going to heaven and Daniel to hell. Something is not right.

Lorraine is 48 and deaf. Her husband threw her out after he met some one else. She was street homeless for a while. She was in a desperate state when I met her. She clung onto me at the housing department falling on the floor holding onto my leg, she was demented with fear as to what was going to happen to her. She is gentle and kind and would give you the coat off her back if you asked. She gives out love and compassion and considers of others before herself without even thinking.

John thinks very carefully before he ever gives an inch to anyone - particularly to people like Daniel and Lorraine. Lorraine apparently is going to hell and John and his friends to heaven.

Tracey lives alone in a tiny flat with her little girl. She has been so badly abused by men she is scared to leave her flat. Her daughter who is 11 is her main carer and she tries to help her Mum as much as she can with the household chores and shopping. Tracey is often drunk but her daughter has learnt how to put her in the recovery position and run to a neighbour for help. Although Tracey drinks too much (sometimes) and isn't very good around the house her daughter is doing surprisingly well at school. This has been put down to the fact that she has a fantastic relationship with her Mum. They share a deep bond of affection and Tracey puts her daughter 1st in every way she is able - it shows in her daughter's eyes. They are bright and happy and optimistic. So Tracey is going to hell with her little girl and John et al are going to heaven.

Carla was raped but kept the baby. Her Mum's a heroin addict and her sister just committed suicide. Carla is just beautiful. She works when she can and is fighting to make a better life for her and her baby. Church to her is some distant place where all the 'nice' people go. She's not nice enough for that she's sure. But in every way she acts from her heart like a real christian.....

Don't get me going about Alec. Please pray for Alec becasue he's a real person like all the others here and he's in the very worst mess. He's 22 but so far gone on alcohol he can't have a proper conversation. He sits on the street corners begging for money. I met him once... he sat next to me. He was very drunk. He had a dent on his head I asked him how he got it. His Dad did it before he ran away from home when he was younger. He has no family. He lives in a squat. He's so sweet and meek and broken. He lent over to me and mouthed slowly to me 'help me' that s all he said. But he's defo going to hell being an alcoholic.......

This post is getting long and it's still unfinished but I had to write it.

When Jesus said 'you must be born again' he said it to a religious intellectual who had a hard heart...........


I'm hoping that there will be lots of surprises on the last day......